The most mis-used and under-used words in the English language...I'm Sorry

The two most mis-used and under-used words in the English language…I’m Sorry.

Perhaps – technically – it is actually three words as ‘I’m’ is a contraction and we’re really dealing with the full phrase I am sorry. But either way – I see these words as the most mis-used words in the English language. Ironically – they are also under-used despite their regular appearance in our world – verbally – in writing – even in body language.

I’m sorry, that’s just how it is.

I’m sorry if you don’t like my opinion

I’m sorry but you have to hear what I have to say

I’m sorry this is frustrating you.

Now really – AM I sorry? What is ‘I’m sorry’ anyway? What is an apology? Having been in an emotionally and verbally abusive first marriage to a cheater of the worst kind – I heard a lot of I’m sorry’s. Never ‘I’m sorry I hit you’ – but certainly ‘I’m sorry I made you cry’. Inevitably, the next word out of my husband’s mouth rebutted that statement and increased the abuse and brainwashing that what he did – what he said – what he chose – was really all MY problem. That one little word was ‘but’. Seriously – can ‘but’ follow a genuine apology? In my eyes, when I am truly apologetic for something – utterly and completely contrite and sincere - I want to convey two messages to the person I am talking to.
1. I was wrong – in my actions – my perception – my judgments – my whatever – I was wrong.
2. I don’t want to do that to you again.

So if I follow up with ‘but’ – do I not just completely ERASE my ‘I’m sorry’?? It’s so obvious to us when we hear of cases of physical abuse. ‘I’m sorry I hit you….but you made me mad’. Most all of us hear that and say ‘no – you’re NOT sorry – you just want me to stop being mad’. Infidelity – another huge problem in my first marriage. ‘I’m sorry I was with that man/woman…but I just needed some ‘strange’. Uh…then you’re not really sorry – right? Believe me – I did not comprehend this while I was married to the man – it took many years of self-recrimination for what I must have done wrong to drive him to have sex with other people, and a lot of therapy before I recognized that it was his problem – not mine. The fact is – he was sorry he got caught! But there was no recognition of personal wrongdoing – nor any perception that he wouldn’t do it again. That is until he was on his deathbed and finally crushed by the guilt and truly contrite. Before he had to deal with his life as a slowly closing door and stare at his actions and choices for hours at a time as he slipped away – he would have gladly done the same thing again if he could get by with it and not get ‘caught’. On his deathbed, I finally heard a full apology – though by that point I was so convinced from the last 6 years that this was somehow something lacking in me that I could not fully accept or even hear his apology for several years. ‘I’m sorry I unfaithful to you before and after our marriage. I know I made you think sometimes that it was all in your head, but it wasn’t. I did X, Y and Z. It was inexcusable behavior that you in no way deserved. Will you please forgive me?’ And I said the words of forgiveness – though true forgiveness took a long time and did not occur until he was long gone.

The other follow-on word that just doesn’t cut it for me in a sincere apology is ‘if’. Again – it erases the apology. It lightens the load of guilt and is a request that you not get angry at me for what I’m about to say. Well guess what? I still get angry – or hurt – or downright disgusted – with what comes after I’m sorry when it is immediately followed by ‘if’. It’s so rampant in our language. The most common? I’m sorry if you don’t agree. HUH? Why would you be sorry if I don’t agree? What I hear is that you are about to CHOOSE to say something that you fully recognize could piss me off. If you were truly sorry about that possibility (i.e. ‘wrong’ and ‘don’t do it again’) – then you wouldn’t continue!! I’m so attuned now to hearing ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ after apologies that I sometimes start laughing at rather inappropriate moments because it’s so obviously a 180 turn on what the person is saying or about to say. Empathy – that I understand. When I say ‘I’m sorry, but I flat out disagree’ – don’t I REALLY mean ‘I flat out disagree but I don’t want you to be angry at me for doing so’? An empathetic way of delivering the message would be ‘I realize that this may not be what you want to hear – but you need to leave your husband if he’s beating you and the kids’. Not ‘I’m sorry – but you need to leave him immediately’.

So I’m sensitive to ‘I’m sorry’s’ now. My children are well aware of it. When they are sent to apologize to somebody – buts and ifs are not allowed to follow their ‘I’m sorry’. I have attempted to eliminate all ‘buts and ifs’ from my apologies though it’s a tough habit to break. I call my husband on ‘buts and ifs’ when they come from him in the guise of an apology. And it’s making a difference in our family. A word that can always follow the ‘I’m sorry’ phrase to begin making that change is ‘I’. It’s very difficult to say ‘I’m sorry I’ sincerely and then not continue with sincerity in the rest of our apology. I teach my children that ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough…they must state what action of their own (an ‘I’ statement) they are sorry for – recognize the impact on the other person – and then make a statement of desire not to do so again. Otherwise – what’s the point? What’s the point of even ‘Say it NICE’. HUH? Whether it’s delivered in a sullen tone of voice that’s barely distinguishable as language or with a ‘nice’ tone of voice to please mom isn’t what it's all about!

Even our media does this. ‘I’m sorry to report that we have an accident at Main and Oak’. Ummmmmm – no. Actually – it’s your job to report and sorry doesn’t enter into it. You not only are not saying that you have done something wrong by telling us – but in fact you’re going to do it again! ‘I’m sorry to report that your son has been killed in an accident’ = ‘Please don’t hate me for bringing you this bad news’. However it is not contrition – for the person delivering the news has done nothing wrong. Empathy and contrition have become intermixed meanings for ‘I’m sorry’ and I refuse to add to that anymore! And I’m NOT sorry for that!

So the term is mis-used – in my not so humble opinion – and I’m not sorry for sharing my opinion with you even if you totally disagree or find that you now dislike me for sharing my opinion. But I challenge you to think further on this term that is so totally mis-used today as either an expression of empathy – or as a desire to escape wrath or consequences – for I believe it is also the most under-used term in our language.

How often do we do wrong to others – whether accidently or purposely? Speaking for myself – I must admit that it is quite often. I spend time lost in my own thoughts rather than paying attention to my family. I cut people off in traffic – sometimes even on purpose. I say things in unkind ways rather than choosing kind ways. I react before I think. I judge and pre-judge without having all the facts. I take frustrations out on my family. I take frustrations out on innocent clerks or customer service people. And how often do I deliver a true contrite ‘I’m sorry’? Not often enough – that’s for sure. What would occur in this world if these most mis-used words were suddenly no longer used as an expression to get ourselves out of trouble? And what would happen if we were to suddenly re-adopt the original purpose of these under-used words to show our sincere remorse for our actions without explanation for ‘why’ and simply state our guilt, our empathy to the situation we caused for the other person, and our desire to make it right in the future?

I leave you to think…and challenge you to think about what you really mean the next time you find yourself forming those words: I’m Sorry.