SoYa - I heard it.

If you’ve read ‘Songs Without Words’ – my thoughts may have some meaning – if not – you’re missing out. Big time. Not on my thoughts – but on an excellent read by a truly talented author. I usually buy books on eBay – not sure I can wait that long for another book by Ann Packer though. For the media mail delivery, that is.

Since I was a little girl, I have read voraciously – sometimes devouring 5-10 books a week – and sometimes going through odd dry spells – the longest for a couple of years when my children were very young – when I read very little. But ALWAYS when I read – it is as though I am inhaling the story. And ALWAYS when I read – I find commonality and kinship with some character in the story. Whether it’s the fiction of John Grisham or the memoirs of Jen Lancaster – or the fantasy of Frank L.Baum – I find a character to relate to. Always have. Figured I always would. Until I heard the Songs Without Words.

I feel as though I have come through an emotional tornado now – but one that has somehow taken everything in my life through the whirling winds and gusts and set it down as gently as a baby in a tree making it through an awful storm after being ripped from her cozy bed. It always seems unbelievable how much damage a tornado can do – and yet that same storm that can drive a straw through a tree trunk – can deposit a baby carefully into a tree with the gentleness of its own mother. Powerful – earth and spirit-cleansing – yet controlled.

Snort. This is beginning to sound like a poorly written book review. Who cares. I simply must get my emotions and the thoughts this book brought on written down despite the overcrowded hyperbole!

So I didn’t identify with a single character in Ann’s book. Instead – I found myself flipping – floating – flying through my usual identification process. First I was Sarabeth – then Lauren – then Liz – then Lauren – now Sarabeth again? Back and forth all the way through – I couldn’t settle in and say ‘okay – THIS is me’. Sometimes that process is a bad thing when I’m reading. I can identify with a rape victim in a novel and sink deep into the despair of both the character’s story and my own memories – and be unable to pull out of that despair until I finish reading and leave the character behind. I can find myself moody – or angry – in love or happy with no reason – until I remember the book that I am in the midst of experiencing and realize that I am still stuck ‘in character’. I’ve never wanted to be an actress – to live a character – even in moments of wanting to escape my own life’s experiences – it was a desire to be ME – without the problems – never to escape ME. So it’s somewhat jarring when I find myself stuck ‘in character’ from reading. To find myself unable to settle on my character though and to find myself slamming between characters like an out of control pinball is even more jarring. So how did I come through the experience feeling a new sense of calm and contentment? Ah – there is the question.

Lauren. Out of place – never quite fitting in – though recognizing how others didn’t fit in and what they might need to do if THEY wanted to fit in better – while sliding into her deep dark place of no options. Yes – I identify with Lauren. The pressure to be right – to be good – to feel like part of something – even my own family – yes I identify. The fear/knowledge that this is not something you get to deal with once in your life like a rape – like a loved one dying from cancer – like an acceptance that a relationship is over – but instead will get to deal with (most likely) over and over for the rest of your life – yes I identify.

Sarabeth. Conflicting emotions of anger and reversed parent/child relationship – first at one parent – then the other – then back again. Yes – I identify. Mourning the loss of childhood – the loss of parents who were gone long before they were actually gone – yes – I identify. Needing a sister – a best friend – a ‘somebody’ who understands me – or at least tries to and doesn’t give up on me – yes – I identify. Searching instead, mistakenly, for a mother – or for the childhood I gave up – yes – I identify. Even in her searching tomes for sister relationships – her labels applied to everybody ‘the smart one’, ‘the pretty one’, ‘the shy one’, ‘the horny one’ through her own voracious inhaling of books – I see myself trying to find that spot that I fit. And there is Lauren trying to fit too. The fear that mental illness is indeed hereditary – yes – I identify. Not for myself. But for my children who have shown no signs. Will they be writing their own tortured memoirs someday and asking the same questions? God – I hope not.

Liz. Doing it all right and things still go wrong – yes – I identify. Doing even better and still things go wrong – yes – I identify. Guilt – shame – being a mother to those who are old enough to not need one – and not being available to those whom I brought into this world depending on me – yes – I identify. Helplessness – yes – I identify. Trying to find herself as wife – as mother – as friend – as unexpected sister – trying to find that spot she fits in – joining Lauren and Sarabeth in that constant search – yes – I identify. Seeing greener grass beyond every fricken’ fence – yes – I identify.

Maybe we all do? Maybe we all search for that spot? Maybe the search is so all encompassing that even when we have found the spot that we fit in – we still don’t recognize it. Maybe we continue our frantic search even as we have settled into our spot and our lack of contentment is not a lack of having – but not knowing how to let go of the search.

Sad – with toys. Sad – with great bed sheets. Stuck. Deep in my brain. I’m not sad – and while I realize that sad may come again some day – I’m thankful that despite circumstances in my life that would normally bring sad – that I am ‘swimming with the current’. I need more hyperbole – don’t you think? But those phrases still resonate. Because though I’m ‘fine’…though I’m ‘good’...though I’m ‘content’ in many ways – I am all of those things….with too much stuff. Too much clothing. Too much doodads. Too much weight. Too much of whatever becomes my current thing. And I bring this on my family too with too many toys – too many things – too many wishes and desires. I was becoming aware of this – and in fact beginning to purge (wow. There’s more in there. I always thought I knew what I ‘was’ – that I could binge but never purged – but that’s another day…). I’ve been stripping ‘things’ out of my life. Recognizing that my hunt was just that. A hunt. But the spoils of the hunt – the trophies – some of it is just disgusting. As the spoils of most hunts are. I find trophy hunters to be disgusting. I find the hunt of the Native American Indian to be admirable. Take what you need – use every bit of it – do not upset the balance. Instead – I have been a trophy hunter. It’s time to give up my unusable, worthless trophies.

Hearing ‘Songs without Words’ was a view deep into my soul – from more than one of the sides that make up ‘me’. That’s what caused the tornado. I’ve felt the scrutiny of the magnifying glass before into my soul – but never from more than one side at a time. The idea that my best friend saw me in this book when she read it is both disturbing and exhilarating. She’s only known me for a couple years – how can this be?? The disturbing is a duh. A tornado is expected to cause damage – to scour the earth and soul. It’s always disturbing to have somebody peer into the dark parts of our soul. The exhilaration though is the one I wish to hang onto. The exhilaration of survival – and not just ‘barely’ – but exhilaratingly – screaming – ALIVE survival. The exhilaration of having somebody see me so clearly in reality – both the good and the bad – and to not only accept the good and the bad - but love all of me in a way that I have only ever expected from my mother…that when I am somehow featured in three very different characters in a single book – she sees me. And I see her. I see her in the spaces where I don’t see me – and I even see her in some of the same spaces I recognize that I occupy. And I see that labels don’t always fit – that one character is not always enough – that sometimes we are more than one character – more than one label. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not the ‘smart one’ or the ‘pretty one’ in this friendship. In fact it’s something I embrace – the equalness that I feel – the balance of good – and bad. I also know that I don’t want to be the depressed one. I don’t want to be the sad one. Even though I have been depressed – even though I have been sad – I have also been NOT depressed and NOT sad. I will, however, happily share – SHARE – the label ‘the content one’.

Now to find the list of Ann Packer books and get on with the next one...it’s a trophy I’d love to share – pick up the book! Hmm – I guess it was a book review after all.

SAVED - some things should be - some things shouldn't be...

You know it's bad when you have an urge to reintroduce yourself to your own blog because it's been so long...

I have lost a part of myself for a time - which makes me incredibly sad. Because that part I lost for a time was the writer in me. My confidence in my writing took a hard hit in the last couple of years - but it shouldn't have. First - because one rude critique from a friend who then proved they weren't a friend anyway shouldn't overwhelm the comments I've received from even strangers who have enjoyed my writing. But more importantly? I need to write for me. Not for anybody else - and not for accolades or critiques or even publication - I simply need to write. I'm healthier all the way around when I write - and I have lost it for a time. Sad? Because I can't recapture what I might have written - I can only go forward. Writing is something that should be saved.

I need to go back and address my last post - because it has been so long - over a year! So if anybody I care about does happen to be subscribed to my blog or comes poking around - I'd like you to know that God has been good - He has answered prayer - and the degrees of separation are fewer. Building a relationship - or re-building - or re-starting takes so much more work than the effort it takes to annihilate the same relationship. So I'm not talking miracles here. I'm not talking perfect marriage - if there is such a thing! But I am talking hardened hearts grown soft and willing to work at this - and for that I'm thankful. I have learned so much about relationships in the past year that applies to both my friendships and my marriage - and for that I am extremely thankful as well. Marriages and relationships are, in my belief, God's desire for our lives and should be saved whenever possible - and my marriage is salvageable - and will be saved.

Random thoughts. Sometimes they should be saved. Some amuse me years later - so they're worth writing down. The first is one that I have espoused before - maybe even in this blog - but since I have no rule that I have to be original - ya'll will have to hear it again! :) DD and I watched a show on UFO's tonight. Nonsense entertainment. I'm not a believer in extra-terrestrials - though the existence of life elsewhere wouldn't bother me either - my God is big enough for that! But these 'documentary' shows where the narrator stupidly asks questions like 'are UFO's real?' just drive me nuts. Of course they're real!! Duh!! A UFO is - by definition - an unidentified flying object. If somebody saw something flying - an object - and doesn't know what it was - then it is unidentified and thus is a UFO (an UFO??). Ugh. The dumbing down of American culture and language just irritates me sometimes. I'd like to throw an identified object at some of these documentary 'journalists' (title used oh so loosely) sometime when they're not looking and when they do the 'huh - what was that?' I can then yell 'that was a UFO, idiot!'. So Christian of me.

While I was still in mid thought-rant about UFO's - a commercial for some new show comes on. An hourly show I think. The premise is that the star has short term memory loss. His wife has died - and that's the last thing he remembers - his wife dying. And he's trying to find answers to that - and so goes around investigating - and explaining to everybody he meets - repeatedly - that he has a condition that has caused short term memory loss and he is unable to create new memories. That even a long conversation may lead to him forgetting what the beginning of the conversation was about or who he is talking to. So. I have a question. How the heck does he know he has a short term memory condition if he is unable to create new memories? Seems to me that's not plausible. Wouldn't he have to be continually told that he has a short term memory condition? Again - if the audience is dumbed down enough - anything will work. Now don't get me wrong - I love a good stupid entertainment-only television show or comedy movie. Love it! I watch some reality tv and just laugh and am thankful that I haven't ever been bit by the 15 minute fame bug. But I expect those shows to be dumb and filled with dumb people. But a documentary - I expect it to not be dumb - or dumbed down for a dumb American audience. And if it's a serious television drama - get the background right. Yes - it irritates me in books too. Even dinosaurs being alive somewhere on earth again was plausible when Michael Crichton (what a loss - great author!) - explained the process in depth of taking dinosaur DNA from an insect that had bit the dinosaur and thus had dinosaur blood in it's innards and then was trapped in resin that became amber. Dumb shows that think they're smart are - dumb. And they shouldn't be saved.

On the other hand - The Denver Museum of Natural History should have been saved - and now it's too late. Perhaps there wasn't even an effort to save it - perhaps I'm in a 1% minority - but it should have been saved. It's spring break and we didn't travel out of state this week - but instead have been doing activities in the area. Yesterday it was the museum. I knew that it had been re-named the Denver Museum of Nature and Science - but what I didn't realize is that the original museum is lost and gone. I remember going to the museum as a child and it was such a fascinating place. Marble staircases with brass decoratively scrolled railings climbed twelve feet up to the second floor - and then another twelve feet to the third floor. The place reeked of history - of time - of old things worth saving. The butterfly room was one of my favorites - as well as the gems and minerals - but the massive dinosaur that greeted you when you walked in the building was impressive as well. The planetarium was a cool new feature - but had been incorporated in such a way that it didn't take away from the museum. There was a place to eat downstairs - and realizing that this huge building had a huge downstairs filled with 'who knows what' just added to the mystique. Now - this new DMNS is a modern ugly monstrosity inside with lime green walls and escalators. And outside - it's just another concrete and glass piece of ugly. I saw a piece of the railing that had been preserved - along with it's gorgeous stained and polished wood top railing - stuck in a corner of one of the wild life exhibit corridors. Thank goodness those areas still have the beautiful high beamed ceilings and corniced/crown-moulding-rich details. But the beautiful brick has been covered with that invention of sheetrock - the stairs completely removed - and all I can ask is WHY? I understand adding elevators. I understand creating exhibits that are exciting for today's jaundiced youth who need color - movement - lights for anything to be real to them. But why ruin the history of a museum? It just astounds me. And then while sitting and waiting for part of our group to finish in an area - I see a sign that there is now funding available to re-do a particular section that is only 20 years old! Seriously? Perhaps that money could be used for something a bit more responsible than redoing a 20 year old - I mean young - section of a museum? I smell earmarks. That museum should have been saved. And I think they know it. Because a small exhibit on the main floor showed the history of the museum itself and had a request to the public for photos of the interior of the museum as it used to be. Guess they didn't think to preserve that piece of history. Idiots.

1948 (over 40 years old then):












Modern ugliness:













Interior Disney World look:
















Style of the old interior (the only pic I could find!):







Guess I'll have to visit the National or New York Natural History museums. Apparently history is more important on the east coast. For now. Hopefully this doesn't become a trend - can you imagine the Louvre being turned into a concrete and glass monstrosity?? mmmm - maybe we owe the French a lot more respect - they know how to save.

Speaking of the museum - there is one more thing that should be saved that I must note before I close. Truth in science. Now I absolutely expect when I go to a museum that I am going to be hearing the theory of evolution. And I have absolutely no problem with my children being subjected to learning this theory even though I believe, personally, in a world created by God - a God capable of creating evolution as well - but certainly not a 'something from nothing' primordial ooze theory. But I object strenuously when a theory (and that is all it is - unless something has happened in the last few days that I haven't seen on the news and there is now scientific proof in the form of re-creatable experimentation that results in ooze creating cells all on its own - in which case I must begin worrying about the ooze in the bottom of my greenhouses) is put forth as fact. Not once in any display or presentation at the museum was it referred to as the theory of evolution. And yet - if I wanted to espouse creationism in public - that would need to be espoused as the theory of creationism - yes? When have scientists become so afraid of their own rules and refuse to follow scientific theory principles? In my usual wallflower tongue-tied personality - when the presentation was being made in person to my kids and their friends who were with us that - 'this chart shows the evolution of man from primate' I merely stepped in with the observation of "Well it is a theory, now, isn't it! I always wonder whether this all amuses God?" - delivered of course with a large smile. The volunteer nervously moved right on to a display of mammoth teeth. Truth - and the pursuing of truth even when it means following good scientific principles of acknowledging that a theory is only that - yes - truth should be saved.

Save something worth saving today.

Degrees of Separation

I blog so little in my 'weekly ramblings' that it should probably be re-named Weakly Rambling. Might happen.

So this new concept of "degrees of separation" is out there - we're all just 'x' degrees separated from any other person on the planet. There was even a movie, wasn't there? Whatever. That's really not what I'm rambling about anyway. The point of this entire paragraph is merely to ensure that you are aware that I DO know that my title isn't original before I abscond with it and use it how I want to. So there.

Difficult subject. In fact THE most difficult subject that I think could occur in my life. Stress is a misnomer. Separation. I have separated from my husband of almost 12 years. In fact it was 13 years ago this month when my first husband died and not long after that, Glenn showed back up in my life. I've known Glenn all my life. Had a huge crush on him when I was 14 and was sorely disappointed that he didn't reciprocate the feelings. Upon later reflection I realized that was probably wise as he was 19 at the time. And later yet I found that he in fact did notice me when I was 14. But Glenn is a very quiet guy. Quiet and not one to take action without lots of encouragement or a 'sure thing'. I love Glenn. First - let's be clear on that. The first degree of separation. Because separating from Glenn doesn't change my love for him. More than anything, I want our marriage to work. I don't want a divorce. Could that happen? Yes. Could our separation become legal? Yes. But I am hoping - PRAYING - that it does not move to that stage. So while we have physically separated - while my wedding rings are no longer on my finger - my heart has not separated - thus - a degree of separation only.

And - because I'm me - and we're 'us' - and I tend to do things in a way different from the rest of the world - our separation is a bit 'odd'. Odd enough that some people looking on would not even know that we were separated. Uh - you ask - "wouldn't that be obvious since you're living in different places?" Well, here's the thing. We're not. We have a large home. 4 bedrooms. 4 people (we won't talk about the 9 cats). So - Glenn has moved to the guest room. Now, I'm not talking about 'sleeping on the couch' kind of move. I'm talking about re-finished guest room to get rid of the Victorian floral decor - I'm talking moving everything in closets - I'm talking full move. So we ARE separated - and yet we are attempting to co-exist as roommates - as parents - while we work through what our marriage - our relationship will be in the future.

Why on earth would I do such a thing? If the problems in the marriage are severe enough that it calls for separation (and you'll just have to trust me on this one - they are. Though I'm not going to post the 'why's' here in my blog. If you're a friend - you know you're more than welcome to contact me via email - but I'm not posting personal information like that out on the internet. Not now at least. So if the problems are that severe - why stay in the same house?

Because there are degrees of separation. First - there is our children. I do not want our children shuffled around between two households - or shuffled off to their grandparents to raise or be responsible for - even if the grandparents ARE in town. First - some of the issues we're dealing with go back, I'm quite sure, to our families of origin. No need to exacerbate the problem by putting our children into the same boats. This boat is rocky enough. Second - we get along. Glenn and I. Which is really why it has taken 11 years for me to take this step. Because yes, the problems we're dealing with have been there since the beginning. And yes - it was probably irresponsible of me/us (I say me merely because I was the one to push to start a family - not because Glenn is any less responsible) to have children before we worked out these issues. Because that has not given our children what THEY need as a good example of a marriage for their own growth and well-being. I pray that it is not too late. But truly - we get along. We rarely fight. When we do - we make up quite soon after. So if we're not fighting - we have the space to physically separate - and the kids can keep the stability of one home - then why not?

Hmmm - well some people would say it is a mistake. Others would wonder if it isn't harder on the kids. Certainly if I thought that divorce was inevitable - I would not take this step. But - there are degrees of separation. But you see - I DON'T see divorce as inevitable. I truly am praying - praying HARD - and ask that you join me in prayer - that Glenn can work through the issues he is facing - which are the 'obvious' ones right now. I also am not so crazy to think that I don't have issues or a part to play in this. Far from that. So I know there will come a time when I have to do some hard work as well if this is going to be healed - to be re-started. And we've talked about 'what if'. If it should come to the point that we need a more physical separation - or - God forbid (literally!) divorce - the kids would stay here. WE would be the ones to shuffle back and forth and have our lives lived partially here and partially 'there' - wherever 'there' might be. Our children have done nothing to deserve this - I'll do nothing to disrupt their world if at all possible and still be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy.

Yes - I said HEALTHY. Not happy. If you're a close friend - you're smiling - or even laughing right now. Because you know my diatribe on happiness. We are NOT entitled to happiness. We are NOT guaranteed happiness. Not by our God - and not by our country. Sure - we can pursue it - and sometimes we even get it for a time - but to pursue happiness at the expense of others? Not a right. Not an entitlement. So I'm not looking for 'happiness'. I'm looking for the physical/emotional/spiritual health that I need to have in order to be the mom that my children need. Period. They come first. That happened the moment my daughter was conceived. I'll not usurp that responsibility for my 'happiness'. Which is, of course, why I have gotten so all-fired angry with people who - even as I struggled in my first year of marriage - flouted a 'I have a right to be HAPPY' bullshit in my face. PSHAW. And BULLSHIT. My Covenant with God - and with Glenn - did NOT give me an entitlement to happiness. It gave me responsibility. So there we are. Now you've had the opportunity to hear my diatribe yourself!! lol

As I was cleaning and re-organizing, I ran into the Unity candle from our wedding. I had it specially designed with a short verse that I wrote:

"May the love that kindled this flame burn forever"

I cried as I put that candle away. It really should be thrown out as it is banged up and worn beyond repair - misshapen from a stint in a sunny window - faded - pearls fallen off - but that saying is still in place. I cannot do that. You see - I hope that one day I can have a new candle made and we can symbolically light it again. It had an oil wick inserted into it to symbolize a flame that cannot be snuffed out easily. I'm still believing. I'm believing in my God. I'm believing in the fact that I entered a Covenant with my God and my Husband on January 28, 1995 - and that my God will honor that Covenant and heal us both. His will be done.

Right now - there are degrees of separation. Pray for us. Pray for our children. Not for happiness - but that the degrees of separation will be healed.

Amen.

Reality - Square Between the Eyes

I could truly just sit and cry.

And I don't cry easily.

Actually - that's not true. I cry REALLY easily when I'm seriously pissed off. Then I cry and get even MADDER because I'm crying. But when I'm sad - I don't cry. I eat. I eat a LOT.

But I could seriously cry tonight. It's a culmination of two weeks of 'doubt' followed by 'suspicion' followed by 'ignoring' followed by 'confirmation' followed by 'denial' and finally tonight...by acceptance - truly sad acceptance.

What the HECK am I so dramatic over?

THIS.

My scale broke.

I know - happens to a lot of people. But I have had that same scale since 2005 - went from 294 down to 191 on that scale. Pulled it out a year later and found I was back up to 285. Lost back down to 216 as of two weeks ago and was going strong...well...that's what I thought...

You see - I think that blasted scale has been off for many, many, months. Not sure how long. I know my beginning weight is right - or close to it (may have been a few pounds over 300 before I started on NS in February 2005). But from my 216 weight two weeks ago to a scale that would weigh me in at 315, 320, 299, 290 depending on its mood (I kid you NOT!! one right after another!! I picked the thing up and shook it and metal parts fell OUT of it. Obviously BROKEN)...I started suspecting that perhaps the thing had been off. Because I still didn't FEEL like 216. I know what I feel like at 216. And I didn't feel that way. I kept waiting to feel better and wasn't. And so finally I recognized I HAD to get a new scale - and deal with whatever my 'number' was. I had a gut feeling - a BAD gut feeling - that it was higher. I feared 230. HA! What I wouldn't GIVE to have that bad gut feeling come true now!!

Let's just say it's been a tough week. REALLY tough. I know many have faced 'scale tragedies' in the past - and yet I truly cannot remember one quite this big. They're ALL big when it's you facing the 'my new scale says I weigh x more than my old scale' - but this - oh wow. 35 pounds people!! Yes. My new scale is 35 pounds higher. And yet my children weigh the same as they did on the old scale. What that tells me is that my old scale has been unreliable in the 'over 200 pound range' for a LONG time. I started pulling up data from several years back - measurements - weights - sizes - that sort of thing - and I am slowly - OH so slowly (and not without some serious food binging that needs to stop NOW NOW NOW) adjusting my brain to the fact that though I thought two weeks ago I was at 216 and that any day I would start to FEEL like I was at 216 (because I felt SO much bigger than I have other times at that weight - well DUH!!!) - that I am truthfully in the 250 range. Yup - that drastic. I want to just sit and sob - but that ain't gonna 'ccomplish a gosh-durned thing, now is it?? So - it's time to adjust - get back on plan - and get this freakin' weight off.

I WILL accept condolences and hugs from all my NS buddies out there. But I swear - if you tell me - well I don't know - but if you say something that pisses me off - I WILL cry.

and yell.

really

really

loud.

GRRRRRRR
And no - the chest cold is NOT helping. Though the Passion Fruit Mojito may be...

I know.
That's not on plan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My ego took a definite bruising - not because I weigh 35 pounds more than I hoped I did - but because I had to acknowledge how 'off' I was in my reality. And reality is - for those of you who know me really well - numero UNO in my life. Spent too many years being lied to - and it's the basis for my signature line of keepin' it real. So I had to crawl in with my bruised ego (seriously - about as painful as crawling back here to NS publicly after re-gaining 92 pounds!!) - acknowledge that I was bruised - but no way in HECK is this going to keep me down. I mean up. I mean being up will not keep me down because I'm going down. And that's good!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note - though still about me - cuz as my best friends say - 'it's ALL about you!!' - for those of you who only know me as the smart mouthed obese(r) gal from the NS boards - I have to share another thing. A little thing - but a huge thing.

I am a Christian - and my faith is so very key in my day to day walk. Moments like this last week DO leave me wondering why on earth life has to be so darn hard. And the line from Kahlil in my signature line (“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.” - Kahlil Gibran)has never been more apropos than it has been this week. Because I WAS wallowing in my lonely doubt - and yet tonight - I am recognizing that even though I cannot clearly see the purpose yet - that I BELIEVE - I have FAITH - that even through this 35 backwards steps on the obesity battle - that I'm not in this alone. If I had caught on that my scale was off this far in April (I've finally gone back and used my measurements compared to my 2005 numbers to accurately tag what my weight loss HAS been since I returned to NS last November) - I would truly have melted down. I could not have handled it emotionally/spiritually right then. I would have eaten my way back up past 300 pounds easy - not to mention crawling back into my turtle hole and missing out on meeting so many of you - and on the summer challenge that was good for me in 'keepin it real' even though I was stagnant on weight loss. So I recognize that God HAS been carrying me. It may not feel like it because He just let me set my feet back on the sand and recognize that it's time for me to do some walking again - but He carried me through this summer and only set me back down when I was strong enough to pick up and carry forward.

THAT, my friends, is why my faith never leaves me - even though I DO doubt at times. I AM human, after all!!

No Coincidences...Only Holy Spirit Moments...

Okay - sermonette is done - back to regularly scheduled programming...

Faith without Doubt is DEAD

This will ramble a bit...unlike most of my well-thought out and presented posts here. HA! That IS a joke! Very GOOD!!

I made a statement on an off-topic thread on the Nutrisystem forum that created a total offshoot of thinking for me that I wish to capture here in MY spot.

My initial statement: "Show me a Christian without doubt and I'll show you a Christian without faith."

I was quite seriously astounded when another woman professing to be a Christian came back at me with:
"No, show me a Christian with doubt and I'll show you a Christian without faith. Didn't make that up. It's fact."

I responded to her:
"FACT? wow. How does one come TO faith if one has never had doubt? You had zero doubt in life - and then 'poof' - you had faith in God? I'm very very confused by that. BELIEF - now that one I can buy into. I can believe something without a doubt. And without ever HAVING had doubt. But can I have faith without having had doubt? Nope.

I'll stand by my 'on the spot quote' and say that if I had never doubted, I would have no need of faith. It is by my very doubt that I came to recognize my need - and by my doubt in my 'worthiness' - that I had to find faith that Jesus would take me 'as is' to fulfill that need."

Found this googling and like it - a lot. Well written and explains my thinking a bit further. After reading this - I would say that under this definition I'm less conservative than I have thought...and certainly not dogmatic. And no - this isn't a political thread - but I find Glenn's points to be applicable outside of politics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From here: Glenn Greenwald’s new book (A Tragic Legacy: How a Good vs. Evil Mentality Destroyed the Bush Presidency)

These days religious people want to be called “people of faith.” But I object to the practice of using the word faith as a synonym for religion. Faith is a component of religion, to one degree or another, but not religion itself.

Zen students are told that the path of Zen takes “great faith, great doubt, and great determination.” I found a dharma talk about this by Sensei Sevan Ross, who is the director of the Chicago Zen Center, called “The Distance Between Faith and Doubt.” Here’s just a bit:

Great Faith and Great Doubt are two ends of a spiritual walking stick. We grip one end with the grasp given to us by our Great Determination. We poke into the underbrush in the dark on our spiritual journey. This act is real spiritual practice - gripping the Faith end and poking ahead with the Doubt end of the stick. If we have no Faith, we have no Doubt. If we have no Determination, we never pick up the stick in the first place.

Faith and doubt are supposed to be opposites, but the Sensei says “if we have no faith, we have no doubt.” I would say, also, that true faith requires true doubt; without doubt, faith is not faith. This is exactly the sort of paradox that permeates philosophical Taoism and its cousin, Zen Buddhism, but which is alien to the way most westerners understand faith and doubt.

Zennies are, I admit, not exactly in the mainstream of American religion. Zennies were never all that mainstream in Asian religion, for that matter. Even so, in the histories of the major monotheistic religions — Judaism, Christianity, and Islam — you can find many great theologians, scholars, rabbis, contemplatives, and mystics whose religious understanding came from wrestling with their doubts.

I found an online Catholic encyclopedia that defined doubt as:

A state in which the mind is suspended between two contradictory propositions and unable to assent to either of them. … Doubt is opposed to certitude, or the adhesion of the mind to a proposition without misgiving as to its truth; and again to opinion, or a mental adhesion to a proposition together with such a misgiving.

I like that definition. To religious seekers and mystics, “A state in which the mind is suspended between two contradictory propositions and unable to assent to either of them” is a fertile place from which profound understanding may grow. Certainty, on other hand, is a sterile rock that grows nothing.

Unfortunately, religious institutions tend to be run by dogmatists, not seekers. And dogmatists don’t like doubt. This same attitude spills over into non-religious beliefs and ideologies. Some people (me, for example) enjoy diving into a nice, messy paradox or conundrum to get to the bottom of it. Others hate ambiguity and want easily digestible bumper-sticker answers for everything. We call the latter sort of people “conservatives.”

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Responding on this thread - beginning this thinking - and then starting up yet another thread (on two different forums/groups in fact!!) to continue this process - brought more 'revelation' for me.

Another poster: "I can't see ANY thinking person NOT having some kind of doubt at some time"

To which I responded: "In my experience, it is through those cycles of doubt and faith - with my faith being strengthened by every attack of doubt as I come through it yet again - is where maturing faith comes from.

Doubt, the seed - Faith, the crop?"

To which she responded: "I make a distinction between "belief" and "faith" in that I feel that belief is arrived at after thought and therefore admits doubt and often faith does not allow for doubt --- not dictionary meanings I'm sure, but the one is a decision and the other is an abdication of thought --- others use the words differently than I do, but I think you can see my point, regardless of the term one uses for each "method"..."

And that's when I REALLY got revved up on thinking...

I've not tackled this one before - so I may change my mind as we go - that's allowed though - I am woman.

I do see a distinction between belief and faith as well. But not sure if I would agree with your personal definitions (i didn't go look them up either - was tempted but decided to see what I thought by putting my words down first - then seeing what the dictionary thought of my thoughts!!)

Kahlil Gibran said “Faith is an oasis in the heart which can never be reached by the caravan of thinking.” I would have to say that quote/thought is more along the lines I would see the distinction. They're VERY interdependent though. I cannot think of a good example of something I believe that doesn't require faith in SOMETHING. Faith in science - God - myself - something! I also cannot see how faith can occur without a belief. It seems to me that one should come before the other...but not sure!!

Okay. Let me try this again.

Doubt...Belief...Faith...Knowledge
I doubt something to be true
I believe something is true
I have faith something is true
I know something is true

Belief COULD come before doubt. I'm thinking of young children here. Belief that they will not be hurt if they fall...until one time they fall..and then doubt is born. Belief comes before knowledge - I don't see how knowledge can come before belief.

Faith - I think is cyclical with doubt. But I believe that doubt exists first - then faith. It may cycle after that - but I can't think of an example where faith would exist prior to doubt occurring. A child can believe they will not be hurt if they fall...then fall and get hurt...then doubt...then have faith that their parent will catch them the next time and prevent the fall/hurt.

Knowledge - cannot exist without faith. At minimum, I have to trust (have faith in) myself that I have gathered enough evidence for a belief to turn to knowledge.

It seems impossible to me that knowledge would ever come first.
It seems impossible to me that faith would come before doubt - OR before belief (faith in WHAT?)
So I believe (ha!) that belief has to come first...followed by doubt...which may or may not generate faith...(if it doesn't - then doesn't that erase that belief? Unmitigated doubt? To be replaced by another belief?)...followed by faith...followed by knowledge. Since knowledge is the most elusive (though I'm probably mixing that word with 'truth' or 'true knowledge' - undisputable) - it's the least likely to occur. And if doubt can come after faith as well as before faith - which I think it can - it HAS in my experience - then anytime that doubt comes up - there are two possibilities. One - the doubt is not erased - throwing the person back to their belief - eliminating it - and requiring another belief in its place. Two - the doubt is erased by faith again - propelling the person further towards potential knowledge.

Am I making ANY sense??? I'm guessing - because I don't consider myself the first person on earth to think of these things - that I am probably thinking along some philosophical lines that have been discussed for centuries - and that there is likely some title to the way I think - and that there is likely some compelling argument for NOT thinking the way I think!! lol And hey - I won't take it personally if somebody wants to point me to what this is all called. Won't shake my faith either! *wink* Though it might create some doubt.

Okay - I've talked myself into this position until I'm convinced otherwise.
Belief
Doubt
Faith
(potential Doubt/Faith reiterated over and over)
Knowledge (I don't think this one can be overturned if it's TRUE knowledge)

There is very very little that I KNOW. I believe a lot of things. I doubt a lot of things. I have faith in some things. But I know very very very little.

Brain hurts. must stop thinking. may implode.

Looking back at what you originally said now after my mental exercise - it appears I DO disagree with you as my first instinct said. You see belief as what I would define as knowledge - the ultimate thinking/faith/doubt/arrival point. I see belief as a beginning - a hypothesis as it were. I see faith and doubt as being 'on the journey'. I STILL see denying that doubt exists as having sand in one's eyes and mouth and nose - ala Ostrich.

From a religious/Christianity point -

I believed Jesus existed and that the bible was true (4-11 yrs of age)
I doubted my worthiness - and his existence - and whether the Bible was all 100% true - and whether he cared for ME - and whether I would really go to heaven (8sh-39 yrs of age)
I (in this case received as a gift) have faith that despite my unworthiness, Jesus loves me - died for me - and that I will have eternal life (heaven is a earthly term for an abstract, imo) (11-39 yrs of age)
I do not yet have absolute true knowledge of Jesus, eternal life, etc.
I DO have absolute true knowledge (irrefutable personal evidence - though it can't be passed to others) - of 'another place' that exists with life as a being outside of this world/earth. It may be another plane - it may be another place - but I've seen it and have absolute true knowledge without doubt or a need for faith. It just 'is'. (age 25 to forever) It DOES bolster my faith in other areas where I do not have knowledge though because it FITS.

After writing the above - I went to google Kahlil Gibran on his quote - and found this quote. WOW.
“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”

I then headed for a dictionary because I like to own my own thoughts before 'checking' them against others...and found the exercise very interesting.

From the semi-reliable Wiki world. Wiki writing is in italics. The rest is moi.

Belief is the psychological state in which an individual is convinced of the truth of a proposition. Like the related concepts truth, knowledge, and wisdom, there is no precise definition of belief on which scholars agree, but rather numerous theories and continued debate about the nature of belief.
(cool - that's my out - right? lol)

Doubt is uncertainty in the context of trust (where it takes the form of distrust), action, decision or belief. It implies challenging some notion of reality in effect, and may involve hesitating to take a relevant action due to concern that one might be mistaken or at fault. The term ' to doubt ' can also mean ' to question one's circumstances and life experience '.

ugh. All the wiki stuff on faith tries to tie it solely to religion. I don't like that. I have faith in things other than religion...my husband...myself...science...let me find something that is non-religious definition...

okay - this is more philosophical but at least isn't so 'diety-centered-only'...and still wiki. From 'faith as basis for human knowledge...'

Many noted philosophers and theologians have espoused the idea that faith is the basis of all knowledge. One example is St. Augustine of Hippo. Known as one of his key contributions to philosophy, the idea of "faith seeking understanding" was set forth by St. Augustine in his statement "Crede, ut intelligas" ("Believe in order that you may understand"). This statement extends beyond the sphere of religion to encompass the totality of knowledge. In essence, faith must be present in order to know anything. In other words, one must assume, believe, or have faith in the credibility of a person, place, thing, or idea in order to have a basis for knowledge.

Knowledge is defined (Oxford English Dictionary) variously as (i) facts, information, and skills acquired by a person through experience or education; the theoretical or practical understanding of a subject, (ii) what is known in a particular field or in total; facts and information or (iii) awareness or familiarity gained by experience of a fact or situation. Philosophical debates in general start with Plato's formulation of knowledge as "justified true belief". There is however no single agreed definition of knowledge presently, nor any prospect of one, and there remain numerous competing theories.

Knowledge acquisition involves complex cognitive processes: perception, learning, communication, association, and reasoning. The term knowledge is also used to mean the confident understanding of a subject, with the ability to use it for a specific purpose.

And finally - for the fun of it - since this is one that I doubt any two humans can 100% agree upon...

While a common dictionary definition of truth is "agreement with fact or reality,"[1] there is no single definition of truth about which the majority of philosophers agree. Various theories of truth, usually involving different definitions, continue to be debated. There are differing claims on such questions as what constitutes truth; how to define and identify truth; what roles do revealed and acquired knowledge play; and whether truth is subjective, relative, objective, or absolute. This article introduces the various perspectives and claims, both today and throughout history.


A very very enjoyable exercise for the brain tonight - and one I wanted to capture. If you've read all the way through - you're either a fan - a philosopher - a relative - a best friend - or you should be!! :)

I win.

Three months. I thought it had been longer since I blogged - but I just counted it out - on my fingers - again. Three months. A long time - but also not so long. And here's the thing - I have no 'great new insight' to offer - no soapbox to get on - not much of anything to say really. But I have a need to capture, in a semi-public fashion, some thoughts that have been going through my head in a circular fashion lately.

My weight. I stopped working at losing weight with such focus about...well about the last time I blogged! So I've hung out for three months now bouncing between 65-73 pounds lost - and still having a good 65-70 pounds to go. So that seems like not a big deal - right? Well - you're wrong there. It IS a big deal. Because it dawned on me in the last couple of days (okay - you're right - so this is a 'great new insight' - I just didn't see it as that in my intro paragraph - but I'm leaving that paragraph as is so that this is a stream of consciousness and not some beautifully edited document) - that I have never - ever - ever in my adult life - spent more than a month at any given weight. I'm always losing - or gaining - but I never maintain. And here - I have - for the most part - maintained a 65-73 pound weight loss for three months straight! So what's the big deal you ask? I'm still obese - right? Yes. But I have gained weight - 5-8 pounds - without just plain giving up and gaining 80. I have lost weight without being obsessed about losing weight. I have AGAIN gained 4 pounds and neither freaked out about it - nor even really cared about it all that much. So here I sit - maintaining an unhealthy weight - and by golly - I feel GOOD about that!

And then - I feel guilty about that. Why should I feel guilty about doing something that is obviously good for me? Because it's not the BEST for me. That damn perfectionism creeping up on me again. The BEST for me would be to
A. lose all of the weight faster than anybody else
B. get to goal and beyond and to a perfect weight for my body
C. maintain that perfect weight for the rest of my life
D. all of the above while attempting to maintain my sanity.

Well, folks, t'ain't gonna happen that way. Like many things in life, I'm doing it my way. I refuse to start over and re-start the clock and say 'okay THIS time, I'm going to get them all. A, B, C and D and SHOW THEM that I can do this'. First of all - I'm tired of THEM. Don't even know for certain who THEM are - but I'm tired of them. Second - perfect is not creative. I'd rather be creative than perfect. Third - I'm tired of the all or nothing, perfect or failure attitude that I seem to have raised myself with. So - I'm doing it my way. And my way means that I'm NOT going to
A. gain back up to 294 pounds - or higher - re-start the clock - and then go for ABCD.
B. Count today as a new beginning. It's NOT a new beginning. I began on this battle of facing this weight on February 11th, 2005. Just because ABCD didn't happen doesn't change the start date to today.
C. Give up. I said - I SAID - I'm NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I'm not going the route of 'big is beautiful'. I'm not going the route of '65-73 pounds lost is good enough and my body just wants to stay here'. Nope - not going to do that. Because that would be a lie. And that leads to
D. be dishonest. That's right. I am not going to be dishonest. It's a theme that is sending some of my regular readers running to the mirror to see if rolling their eyes this time has made their eyes stick in that position like their mother warned them it would. Honesty, honesty, honesty. HONESTLY.

So here I am. Haven't weighed in a couple days - which I know is not a great thing for my personal weight loss. I do best when I weigh daily and face that fact honestly. But I 'know' that I'm around 67 pounds lost today. I can feel it. I've gotten familiar enough with my body at this weight range that I can finally feel it, see it, identify it in a realistic manner without the revorexia kicking in. I'm fat - but not as fat as I was last November. I'm also not as slim as I was in November 2005. And when I was slimmer then - I was still overweight. It's all coming together for me despite no change on that scale - despite the embarrassment of leading a 100day 100% challenge that I have 'failed miserably' at.

And on that subject - I have failed at personally being 100% for 100 days. That's a given. I started the challenge at 224. Right now, I'm simply working to be under that weight again when the challenge ends. That's all. Not the 30 reasonable pounds of weight loss I planned for at the beginning of that 100 days. Nope. Just 'maintain'. For what I have also done through the course of this challenge that goes way beyond eating on plan 100% - and what that scale tells me - is that I have not quit. I can find excuses to quit. It's been a theme in my life. I can even find ways of blaming my quitting on somebody or something else. Also a theme. But my new theme - my need for honesty - doesn't work with my old theme of quitting. Because quitting honestly would involve my simply admitting 'I don't like to lose at competitions and therefore I'm going to quit and drop out because if I quit, then it's not like you really won, because I COULD HAVE beat you if I had stayed in and kept going'. Bull-oney. I'm not winning this round. Plain and simple. I'll not be 100% for 100 days - or even for the 'most' days out of the 100day challenge. I'll not lose the most weight - or the highest percentage of starting body weight. But what I AM gaining out of this new stick-to-it-iveness that I have discovered within myself in the last three months is that losing a competition is okay - and that quitting is worse than losing.

So here I am. Not gaining - not losing - just maintaining - but because I'm not quitting - I win. I don't know when I'll kick back into gear and begin losing again - but I have utmost faith that will happen. I also have faith that when that occurs, that I will be CONTINUING to lose - not starting over at some dramatically higher weight. And I know that despite my eating/activity level that has maintained my staying in an obese range for the last three months - it is a GOOD thing for me to learn to maintain. Period. I win. Now it's just a matter of learning how to apply the same principles to the next 'level' and learn to maintain at some NEW level of weight that is even healthier. One day - I will reach goal. I firmly believe that. But this isn't a race. It's my life. And I WIN.

Halfway is so much more than just halfway

I actually first wrote this back on July 29, 2005 - when I first reached this point on Nutrisystem. However - life happened. So I'm here AGAIN. And I feel the same way - so I'm sharing it again!! Edited to fit the present.

Halfway does not equal half the battle....it's SO much more.

I reached my 'halfway' point in weight loss - 67 pounds - this week. BIG milestone for me - but I really did not understand how big a milestone 'halfway' is until AFTER I reached it. But before I go further down this path...

...I've been hesitant to post my actual weights sometimes even though it's all over the Bulletin Board...my profile...and on NS posts...but I suppose it's because I know that there are people (friends, relatives and such) that read my blog that get to see me in person - and the embarrassment of how out of hand my weight problem got is amplified when I think about them 'knowing' my numbers. But it's not like they didn't know I was fat - you know? I mean, it WAS kind of obvious!! And I really can't share my "halfway revelation" without 'coming clean' about the weight...the numbers...the ugly reality. So here goes. I started on February 11th, 2005 weighing 294 pounds...not sure if my scale would have even registered a number had I gained 7 more before starting this. I got down to 193 in December, 2005 before falling off the wagon and gaining back to 285. Since November when I got my head of out of the sand and back on track - until now - I'm back down to 226. I'm going for a goal of 160.

Okay - here's the amazing 'secret' of halfway:
294 - starting number - TOTALLY intolerable. So fat I don't want to see myself and avoid looking at myself in a mirror except for my face and NEVER look at my body when naked.
261 - 25% of the way to goal - STILL totally intolerable. This was as high as I ever was with pregnancy - and even then I found it unsightly - but at least I knew then that 25 pounds of it could be blamed on baby/water/stuff that goes along with that... but still...when I saw this number on the scale this spring - it meant I had lost 33 pounds - and I was happy - and proud.
250 - big number 'just cuz' - and TOTALLY intolerable - still. But I am SO relieved to be under 250...can't get insurance when you're over 250...weight limits on things like treadmills are set at 250...it's a number that I equate with a REALLY big man...not to be ever seen on any woman.
226 - halfway there. I reached this point today and felt a huge sense of relief that I was finally...halfway there...but ONLY halfway there...that meant I had a long ways to go yet - and the last half was likely to be harder than the first half when I got to those last 'tough' pounds...right? So a little sad too...
225 - another 'significant' number because I think in '25,50,75,100' number patterns...but why was this feeling SO much better than even 227? Odd...

And this was when it started dawning on me that halfway there PHYSICALLY was SO much more than halfway there EMOTIONALLY. Why? Because there was not ONE number between my halfway point of 227 and my start weight of 294 that I could tolerate when thinking of it being linked with my body. Not ONE. They were ALL way too big, too fat, too heavy, too thick, too stout, too EVERYTHING.

BUT!!! I suddenly realize that I'm only 26 pounds from 200...and I know that at 200 I'm still overweight - but no longer obese - and wouldn't even be called 'fat' with the way that I can carry 200 pounds on my tall, muscular body...I would be considered a 'large' woman, perhaps even amazon (LOL) - but not 'fat'. ...and that was only 26 pounds away!!

AND!!! When I think of 190 - I know of pictures that were taken when I was last 190 and I would LOVE to look like that again - happy - full of life - I remember how much energy I had then. Not Fat, not even looking really overweight - just a carrying 'a bit much'...and that's only 10 more pounds after the 200!!! Only 35 from my realization!!! And I start to realize that my goal is ATTAINABLE - that I CAN do this - and that I WILL do this...

And then I dream of 180...I weighed 180 at my wedding - and I know I wasn't fat - it was a beautiful day and my groom was thrilled with my appearance - and I know that at 180 I look pretty darn good...and today? That's only 45 pounds away...I can do this!!!

And then...170 - WOW! I Look GOOD at 170 - and I know it. and that's not that much further after all the weight I've lost so far!!

And 160? The few days (literally!!!) I've spent there in my adult life - I know how beautiful I felt, how thin and fit and healthy and 'whole' I felt....and I can believe now that I will be there.

So halfway is really so much MORE than halfway - because I've spent MORE than half of my emotional trauma going from 227 up to 294 and back down to 227....much, much more. Today I can say that I'm pleased with how I look - not 'happy' not 'thrilled' not 'ecstatic' - but pleased. And pleased is so much, much more than 'tolerable'...and for that I feel blessed.

So if you're still fighting your way to the halfway point...know that the work you're doing NOW will pay off in a huge way when you reach that mark. If you've already reached your halfway point and passed it...think about how much better you feel now and how TOLERABLE life can suddenly become.

We Live From Our Heart

I have been trying to express lately - to some of my closest friends and to members of my family - how I am feeling confirmation from God in a very clear manner regarding some of my recent actions. I have felt an undeniable peace and relaxation over my decisions - even though some of those decisions were very hard to come to. Some I even resisted for a time thinking that perhaps 'there might be a way' to work things in for both God and to keep it 'easy' for me. But when God speaks to me through the Holy Spirit in a still, calm voice - there is no denying - there is no questioning - there is no resistance. All that is left for me is action. I was just 11 years old the day the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder in a stadium filled with thousands of people and said 'It's time for you to accept God's gift of grace' and I came out of my chair and began forging my way through a crowd. With just a quick whispered 'I have to go down there right now' to my father next to me I took off through the crowd without a glance behind me - and even then I hated crowds and was anxious in crowded environments. God has pursued me all my life. When I am open to hear His voice, He guides me but I have to take those actions, even when they're uncomfortable or painful.

Tonight, yet another confirmation that those decisions were necessary - particularly the decision to leave an online group that I had been part of for so long. Despite some pretty nasty emails blasting me for that decision - despite my fears that I would lose contact with those within that group that I was particularly close to - I see God's hand. The emails - though difficult to read and difficult to respond to - I made it through the experience. My friends have stayed by my side and in fact I have become closer to them as we share and talk and laugh and vent and be ourselves. And yet, being human (yup! still am! :) ) - I still have moments of self-doubt and questioning whether this was all the way it HAD to be. I've tried to explain these little signs that I've received that it IS right - but tonight's feels more tangible - perhaps because it is somebody else's words. Written by a Professor of Philosophy for a California University who has been on a journey with His God that is truly inspirational. This excerpt is from Dallas Willard's Revolution of Character - and it speaks to me. Those that know me well - you'll see why I see signs of confirmation within this. Those that don't know me and may have landed on this blog by accident - or through a link that has you wondering how this might have ANYTHING to do with NS - well it does! :) Read more of my blog and it's there.

We Live From Our Heart

Our life and how we respond to the world is a result of who we have become in the depths of our being. We call this inner being our spirit, our will - or, as a comprehensive term, our heart. From the contents of our heart, we see our world and interpret reality. From that decisive place in our self, we make choices, break forth into action, and try to change our world. We live from our depths - most of which we understand only in part.

However the human self is not mysterious. There is an order to it that can be explored. We can influence its spiritual formation in a way that changes our entire outlook. Because a carefully cultivated heart - assisted by the grace of God - is able to transform even the most painful situations. We are able to handle with greater insight, gratitude and redeeming grace, situations that before would have caused us to stand like helpless children asking, "Why?"

Perhaps most satisfying, we will be able to connect with God at a deeper, more personal level of loving awareness and interaction. But further, a better understanding of our heart will enable us to influence situations in our families, businesses and communities with greater godliness, effectiveness and clarity. For the work of Christ always begins in our heart and moves outward into everyday experiences.

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This excerpt was read aloud in a Discipleship class that I have been participating in, along with my husband, on Sunday evenings for the last couple of months. My being involved in such a commitment, with my issues of anxiety and depression - is in itself God's work. God's work has been evident from the very beginning, including miracles showing how truly involved God is in our everyday life and how much He loves us as His children. How He pursues us and shows Himself to us in situations we least expect as long as our hearts are open to see His presence. For those that know my history - the history of my childhood with a rage-o-holic father and a 'checked-out' mom which led to less-than-perfect scenario for raising a child to have a heart open to God's work - there is more. My father was healed - miraculously and unDOUBTedly healed - from his constant rages less than 10 years ago. It took me several years to fully believe - waiting for the usual triggers to set him off. Often times I would find myself cringing, my nails biting into my palms and my breath held as I waited for a situation to set him off. And then I would realize that he was just fine and was going on about his business. Slowly I would relax the tense muscles in my body - release my fists to half-moons cut into my palms, and exhale slowly and quietly and then take a deep breath. He's a work in progress - but God's presence in his heart is evident to those who meet him today.

In my childhood and young adult years, I would sit nervously in my chair when in conversation with him, watching what I said carefully in order to avoid triggering a rage or lecture, learning to 'zone out' while he talked so that even if he said something that I really didn't like or disagreed with that I would not say so - thereby escaping those rages. I carefully balanced the family dynamic - taking responsibility for how the entire family interacted and assisting my brother who battled the dynamic with his wit. Somewhere through those years, I landed smack dab in the middle of my parents' troubled marriage. At times I interacted more with my father than my own mother did while she checked out in her depression and dis-connection with reality and my father confided in me, complained about my mother and I worked with him in yet another 'this one is going to work' method of reaching the all American dream of monetary success. At other times I commiserated with my mother on my dad's out of control behavior and even advised her at times to just 'get out'. When that pendulum could no longer swing, I divorced them in my early 20's. I officially told them that I was divorcing them and was hereby OUT of their marriage. And then I fought the urges and the triggers to get drug back into the marriage. I got attention from my parents being in the middle of that marriage. It wasn't fun getting out. Come to think of it - THAT was my first official break-up. :) I felt important being consulted by them. But I knew it wasn't healthy. Even without acknowledging that it was the Holy Spirit's voice - I knew it had to stop.

I have watched God move in both of their lives. Picking my father up from rock bottom while he lived a life of sheer existence in Phoenix, leaving my mother to cope at home in Colorado. God picked him up - changed his heart - and my father begin living from that newly changed heart. I'm not talking the change of man - or the change of mental therapy to work at behavior changes and keep things 'under control'. I am talking about submitting to God's will and letting Him control. I watched my mother as she gave up the self-help books (and even helped her sell boxes of them in garage sales) and pop psychology for the type of healing that only God brings about. He is still working in them today. He's working on me as well. For one thing I would have never considered 10 years ago, is the idea of being able to sit in a class with my father as the teacher - as the learned one - as a guide - a mentor - or truly - even as my father. Tonight - the person who read that excerpt aloud was my father. Today - my father is a teacher - one I turn to for learning - and truly - my father.

God Loves and God Heals. His presence is evident in our lives today just as it was 2000 years ago in the lives of his chosen disciples. But we must be open to His presence - we must open our heart to what God will fill us with - and then - when we Live From Our Heart - HE will be visible.

May HE become more visible every day as I Live From My Heart.

It's really just A Matter of Perspective

A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE

Roaming here and there across the NSBB - through silliness and flame wars - support and venting - I find things that make me shake my head in sadness and disbelief. And most are not whether 'pissed' is a swear word or not - not whether women should hang out in the men's room - not whether she is really a bigger headache than her - or whether silliness is really a part of support. No - what makes me do the double-take is the lack of belief in oneself. Today - it was time to share my thinking on this - for I do believe it is all - A Matter of Perspective.

So do you REALLY believe that you can get to goal on the Nutrisystem plan? Or are you just hoping that you can? Or are you in fact skeptical that any plan with ever work for you and have given up before you even started?

Just as important - how does your belief in yourself and your ability to succeed reflect itself on a day to day basis? How is it reflected in your NS user name? Do you take an optimistic view towards your future? Do you lend support to others? Do you request support when you need it? Do you visualize yourself at goal even if it's not a weight or size you've ever been in your adult life? Do you surround yourselves with positive energy and with the people that you want to be like?

What is WITH that username? Let's take an example - which as far as I know does not exist within the database of Nutrisystem - but is an example of many of those usernames we see with negative connotations. When I see a username like FAT-N-35, I have a tough time believing that this is a person who really believes that they will be getting to goal. Can you picture a Nutrisystem newsletter proudly displaying a picture of this person at goal as 'FAT-N-35'? Another common theme is hope. Hope2B - again - does that sound like somebody at goal? What does your NS username mean to you and how does it help you be optimistic and visualize yourself at goal? I picked 'Cestmoi' because I expect to look so different after losing 134 pounds that I will be unrecognizable to some people that have not seen me in awhile. 'Sophia, is that YOU?' - to which I can respond with the French for 'Yes, it's me!' - 'Oui, C'est Moi!' If your username is not just your name or your kids name or some silly phrase that you love - take a really good hard look at what you've chosen. If you did not choose one that reflects positive, optimistic belief in yourself at goal and is instead negative or unsure in any way - I encourage you to VISUALIZE yourself at goal - and then pick a username that reflects that. It's a powerful tool! Its really all A Matter of Perspective.

Why did you post that on the NSBB? I encourage you to go look at your latest posts. Look at them as though you were reading somebody else's posts. If you were receiving the messages shown in your posts - would you feel energized - supported - kicked in the butt to stay on plan - shared belief of success - OR - do you instead feel like you'd rather skip this user's posts in the future - brought down emotionally - platitudes rather than a 'get up and get after it' attitude - and a fear that this just really isn't going to work? There are some posters that I seek out every day on the NSBB because I know that they will give me what I need - humor - tough love - support - and cheering for my wins, whether big or small. That is the type of poster that I also strive to be. Even on days that I'm down because the scale didn't move that extra pound I really thought it would - if I get out there and don't even post about my disappointment first - but instead go support others that are struggling - insert humor in dry landscapes - give some tough love to somebody asking why the plan isn't working when they were on plan one whole day this week - and cheer for those who are headed where I want to head - GOAL - I find that my entire attitude for the day changes and I have faith again. It's really all A Matter of Perspective.

But what's your PLAN? I have those days too. Days when I simply need to vent - even after lending others support - I just need to come clean and share how I'm feeling and ask for some support. There are so many ways to ask for support - but I see them coming down into two groups. They both start out the same way. 'I cannot believe that I...' and the poster goes on to identify what went wrong - sometimes horribly wrong. But that is where the difference comes in. One group will continue in this negative vein with statements like 'I just don't know if this is a plan that will ever work for me' or 'I just don't think I have what it takes' or 'Why does this work for THEM?'. The other group finishes their whine and then begins problem solving. You can see the self-talk and you can see them pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. 'Thanks for listening. That obviously didn't work and the next time I go to a family function, I'm going to...' - they come up with a PLAN for the future. I love to go in and support and cheer for this group of whiners. Because they recognize that it will take a behavior change and they already have a plan - or even if don't they ask for one! 'Well that didn't work for me - can somebody give me ideas for how to handle this the next time' - I am happy to jump in and give advice on what has worked for me in the past. For the group that never finishes its whine and get to the problem solving mode of either asking for help/ideas - or coming up with a plan themselves - I feel absolutely helpless. For how can I pick up a person who wishes to stay on the ground? How many times have I tried to give support to a person from this group only to have them say 'well - that might work for you, but it will never work for me'. Frankly - I use the same method I used when my children were toddlers. If they wish to lay on the ground and cry - they can do so - but it will be out of my hearing and sight. When they're ready to ask for help or come up with a plan themselves - I will cheer them all the way. So when you vent - remember to take that extra step and come up with a PLAN. It's really all A Matter of Perspective.

"Yeah - but they only need to lose 20 pounds". Do you have the attitude that if somebody has 'only' 20 pounds to lose that they can't possibly get how hard this is? Or if they 'only' have 50 to lose that they can't comprehend what it's like to have to lose 100 pounds? What are your 'only' levels that make you write off another NS'er as just not getting it? While I agree that somebody who has managed to keep their weight down to just 20 pounds over their goal before coming to Nutrisystem to work it cannot possibly understand the physical ramifications of being 100 pounds overweight - and that a person 100 pounds overweight cannot possibly understand the physical ramifications of being 300 pounds overweight - I DO have to point out that every single one of us can learn from those with 'only' 20 pounds to lose. For they are part of a very special group of people who have managed to maintain their weight and health to within 20 pounds of optimum. And if you REALLY believe that you are going to get to goal on Nutrisystem - don't you expect to need the knowledge of this special group of people? And will you not also come to the point that you will also have 'only' 20 pounds left to lose? We ALL have to go through the last 20 pounds!! We ALL have to learn how to maintain our weight at goal. And I submit that those who came here to lose 20 pounds are people we need to be surrounding ourselves with to become like them! What are their tricks? What makes them stop at 20 pounds instead of 100, 200, 300 pounds of fat and start taking it back off? For I want to be...JUST like them! It is truly A Matter of Perspective

I invite you all to add positive and optimistic thinking ideas for all of us to make the behavior changes we all need to make to truly change our lives and to make A Matter of Perspective turn into A Matter of Reality as we all get to goal!

My Very First Breakup

We've all been through break-ups. Some people are pro's at breaking up with others. Some feel as though they've been the ones that got dumped every time. I don't know much about breaking up.

My first breakup came when I was 16 years old. I had been dating a 19 year old - and how my parents let that one happen I have never comprehended. I was a very innocent 16 - even for the 80's. Had never been kissed - much less lived through the multiple boyfriends and sexual experiences that many of my schoolmates had. Jeff was oh - so good looking. He had a hot car - was romantic and attentive. And I was NOT ready for a relationship. I loved the IDEA of having one of the cutest boys in town as my boyfriend - but I was scared silly. After two months of dating, Jeff broke it off. I felt relief. The pressure was off. 6 months later he was engaged to a school mate just 17 years old. WOW was I relieved!! lol

My second breakup came at the beginning of my senior year. My boyfriend of 6 months had graduated the year before and was starting college in the town 30 miles away. I wanted him to come to my homecoming - he didn't want to go to a 'silly high school dance'. I said I wasn't missing my senior homecoming and asked a friend to go with me. Roy broke it off with me. Whatevuh.

My third breakup was with the same dude! We got back together just a few weeks after homecoming when he 'came to his senses' and we dated through the rest of my senior year. Well - all the way up to - Senior prom this time! And yup - same crud - so I went with a friend - he broke it off with me a couple days before I graduated and then I headed into a summer of hell - drinking - partying and date rape. Without stopping to even tell anybody about the rape or deal with the emotions of that - but burying it all under MORE drinking - partying - and acting out - and with no resolution to my emotional nightmares - I headed off to college.

My fourth breakup (are you ready for this?) - same DUDE!! Yup - he came crawling to the next state to find me in school at Thanksgiving that year. Life was good again and in February he flew me home for Valentine's Day weekend. We got engaged and I came home from college. He was a convenient excuse to leave school before I 'had' to. But that's a 'whole 'nother blog'. And no - I don't mean pregnant. :) Our engagement lasted 6 months. Summer brought him living his life - me left alone with no friends back in my hometown. I ended up with another man 12 years my senior and a perverted predator to boot (and oh BOY is that another blog - more like a novel) and ended the engagement. First time I had ever initiated a breakup. And really - it was passive. I just treated him like shit (and he really didn't deserve it) until he broke it off. But I take responsibility for that one because I pushed it to make it happen. But I made HIM utter the words 'we're through'. Pretty chicken-shit of me.

I ended up living with and then marrying 'John' - the man who ended my engagement that summer. Walked from the frying pan right into the fires of hell. Lived the abuse of that relationship for 6 years until 'John' died of cancer. Does that count as a breakup? Hmmm - not really. Though there are times that I feel as though God intervened in my life in answer to prayers being cried on my behalf and offered me a second chance at a life following His desires for me.

So obviously I'm not good at ending relationships - either with class or dignity and CERTAINLY not in an assertive manner of standing up for myself. It took me until I was 38 to break off a relationship in that manner. And I'm sure that my class or dignity would be argued strenuously by the party I broke a relationship off with - but of course this isn't their blog - it's mine! :)

I blogged a few days ago about some realizations that have been a long time coming that had to do with an online group that I have been involved with for a year. At the time - I could tell that I had reached the point of 'filing divorce papers' but had planned to go through the usual 'I want a divorce' talks and discussions before I actually filed the papers (i.e. removed myself from the group). I waffled - I wobbled - I hesitated even publishing my blog for I knew that it was likely that the people I was closest to in that group would see it before I brought it up. Again - not the most assertive. :) I also had very mixed emotions for just as a divorce has fallout - particularly if children are involved and thus the MULTIPLE relationships impacted - I knew that there would likely be serious fallout from this decision. My best friend - my 'sister I never knew I had' was also part of this group and had been encouraging me to stay and work it out and 'deal with' my frustrations with the group dynamic. And I HAD stayed several times because of that. I'd been talked off of this particular ledge three times in the last year - but this time I wasn't going to be talked off. I was ....oh such mediocre metaphors...taking the plunge. I knew it was best for me and that it was a selfish decision and I was concerned that this had the potential to alter my friendships with some of the group forever. I hoped to have 'part time visitation' of my friends from this group - but knew that it would be very different communicating via email - or phone - or other on-line boards like the one we had all met on in the first place. Some were involved there still - and I knew I'd 'see' them there - but others I wondered whether our friendship would survive my being out of the group and moving in a different direction and no longer sharing the day to day bonds that we had.

Life has a way of handing us an entirely different playbook than we are expecting. Of course - because of my faith - I consider this to not be fate - but rather God. When life does a hairpin curve - I start looking around for what God is wanting me to see. I have not always done that. It took many years of going around hairpin curves and totally ignoring the idea that God may have placed that in my way to slow me down and have me pay attention - and only seeing when I got a LONG ways down the road - how God had His hand on the wheel the entire time. At the point the hairpin curve showed up - I generally just felt frustration or anger that I was being slowed down and my 'progress' was being impeded. It was only after that particular part of my journey had ended and I was looking back over the road that I could see it clearly. Gazing from the bottom of a mountain I might see the cliff I would have driven off of had that hairpin curve not been there. Gazing from the top of the mountain - I might see how that hairpin curve brought me through the most beautiful woods I had ever seen - and would have been missed had I continued straight. So now - when coincidences or hairpin curves come my way - I do an abrupt stop and start looking around. For those are Holy Spirit moments in my life. Sometimes - I see the reasons right away. Sometimes - I simply have to go forward trusting that if I have asked God to guide my path that He is indeed doing so. That step of faith.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - in the early 80's - I was a 14 year old sitting by the cute guy five years my senior from my church in a dark movie theatre - not knowing then that this man would come back into my life 12 years later after the death of my first husband and that today we have now been married for 13 years and have two children. I had a mighty crush on that 19 year old but he was already a gentleman and not about to make a move on a 14 year old GIRL. But I remember being there with him - my awareness of his arm being next to mine - and the scary movie up on the screen is indelibly etched in my mind. In one scene of the movie, Indiana Jones came to a point where he realized he needed to cross a chasm in front of him but could see no way across. That trusty whip was simply not long enough to help him out. But the message was 'have faith'. TRUST. And so - he put his foot out into thin air as though there were in fact a solid surface in front of him to catch his weight rather than open space through which he would hurtle. And it was at that point - and that point only - that he could see that in fact there WAS a clear-as-glass way to walk across that chasm. That scene has stuck with me all these years - and is the best visualization of my walking forward TRUSTING that God will support me as long as I am following His will in my life. Two feet to the side - death. 6 inches to the other side - death. But His way - life.

So coincidences hit - the playbook changed - and suddenly my hand was forced. It was time to serve the divorce papers to this online community - days - maybe weeks - before I had thought it would occur. So with assertiveness that I have never shown in a breakup before - I broke off the relationship of Sophia+Group=4ever. And I gotta say - breakups suck. They hurt. I knew I needed to leave - but of course I don't want anybody not to LIKE me! lol Oh yes - the very reason I've never initiated breakups before and have in fact stayed in relationships long beyond the time I should have - including relationships with no commitment. And certainly no God-centered covenant like a marriage. I 'knew' intellectually before I made the decision to get divorced from this group that there would be some pain - that I may not get the visitation arrangements I wanted and in fact some of the group may choose to have nothing to do with me. I didn't expect that any of them would be coming to 'live with me' - but I DID want those visitation rights. I knew that even WITH visitation rights, the difference in 'living' with this on-line family day to day and instead just visiting might hurt the friendships long term. But I also knew - had FAITH - that God needed me to cross this chasm and trust him.

Today - I do not see the full picture. I am not entirely clear on why this step needed to be taken. I'm still operating on faith. But I do know that I have been granted visitation rights by my best friends and will work to keep those friendships alive with the work that entails. I know that I have been looked upon as a traitor by some who, it appears, will not be talking to me in the future or allowing visitation, though they do know where to find me if that should change. I know that the respect I feel for myself in not making 'them' breakup with me by becoming a bitch or even just drifting away for long enough that we grew apart - but instead assertively addressing why I needed to leave - and then leaving with as little drama as possible - is already worth the breakup. Relationships are painful. They are not all light and happiness. And I don't like that I have had to navigate my first ever break-up and the pain that has come with it - but I am trusting that the view from the top of the mountain is going to be spectacular. The path is becoming clearer with each step I take. I'm seeing clearly - I'm breathing easier - and I am trusting that God will guide my path around each curve - away from obstacles - and safely deliver me to the destination of His choice. May His Will be done.

The Inventory

**If you have not yet read 'Time for a Personal Resume' - scroll down and read that one first.**

I am changing my life. I've been in a process of consciously working at changing my life for 4 years now. Sure - we are all in a constant state of change as we age, grow, learn - but this has been a specific focus on what is working and what is not working in my life. It covers the gamut from physical to spiritual to emotional - and all the interwoven threads of those areas. I can lose weight – but unless I grow emotionally and spiritually – I do not believe that I will be able to maintain the weight loss. I can pray – but without action – I will not magically lose weight or magically heal from the emotional damage of my past. I can go to therapy – but without prayer and physically finding other outlets for stress than eating or hurting myself, I will not heal.

So, what do I WANT to be? Several weeks ago on the NSBB, there was a thread that got me thinking about doing a 'personal resume' - a 'here is what I have accomplished in my life and my worth in society' type of document - after all am I not worth that personally as well as career-wise? Well - one of the first sections that I always include on a resume is a 'objectives' or 'goals' type of section. What TYPE of career/job/contract am I looking for and what do I want to offer in that scenario to make it a win-win situation for me and the employer? And THAT'S where I got stuck on my personal resume when I went to put my thoughts on this to paper. I stalled there three weeks ago and have not continued until tonight. Because I have come to realize that I have not been true to what I need to do in order to reach my personal goals.

In resume format:
I am looking for the right opportunity that will allow me to use my God-given skills and to constantly strive for growth in all areas of my life - and in so doing, be available to my God, my family, my friends, my community and society as a healthy Christian woman. The right opportunity allows me to surround myself with:
Christians - men and women for whom God is first in their life and who live their faith in their everyday lives.
Positive Thinkers - Optimists who can define problems AND be problem solvers.
Risk Takers - people who are willing to stretch beyond their comfort zone and share of themselves and receive my sharing with openness, honesty and realism.
The UNSatisfied - Those who strive for more - always more - in their spiritual, emotional and physical lives and don't roll over and take the kicks of life without a fight.
With this support system, I can become the healthy Christian wife, mother, friend, daughter and member of society that God means for me to be. A positive thinking, balanced risk taker who is UNsatisfied with the ordinary and instead strives for the extraordinary in all that I do.

So there is the beginning of my personal resume. And I will complete the rest of it - for I think it will be a useful activity in my drive to continue to grow and to change in my behavior, habits and activities. So at some point, I will go on to acknowledge and list my accomplishments and skills - the positives both God-given and God-grown that I bring to the table in my search for that healthy me. But the first result of completing this part of my personal resume was a realization that like an employee who looks up after 15 years of service to a company finds that they have failed to meet the goals and objectives they set when the took the job and are in fact in a dead-end job - I had reached some dead-ends. And so a reassessment of my life as compared to my objectives and goals was needed. An honest and perhaps even harsh reassessment – an inventory if you will - of my life to identify where the dead-ends had occurred – and what roadblocks could be removed to allow me to continue.

So I started with where I spend my time - who I spend my time with - and how that fits in my ‘goals and objectives’.

Family Time
My time at home includes too much time spent on the computer by myself – and not enough time with my family in activities that all of us can focus on. Time together with the TV off. I want to be that mom who exercises and plays with her kids. I’m not. Can’t become that mom without becoming that mom! So – it’s time to become that mom starting now. I want to be that family that plays games – board games or outside games – together. It’s time to start that as well. I need to find that time and MAKE that time. Prioritize my time and put my family and husband first.

Church and Christian-related activities
Church has slid from a priority to an ‘if I feel like it and am not too anxiety-ridden to be around people that day’ spot. That needs to be changed. I have made a step in the right direction by becoming involved in a weekly bible/discipleship study. I will also make it a priority to go to community groups and take the kids for children’s activity nights (ah – two for one – family and Christ). I need to connect more with my children's Christian school - with my church - with others in my community that will encourage me in my Christian growth - particularly as it intersects with 'risk taking' and 'positive thinking'. And finally – I will follow through on connections that people at church or the school have attempted to make with me or with us as a couple and take that risk of anxiety that surrounds me when relating to people – for the gain that can come from fostering local friendships and relationships.

Work
I’m actually pleased with how I’ve managed to keep work from becoming a controlling factor in my life and the lives of my family as I try to keep to 40-45 hour work weeks and have been successful at having Fridays off with my kids who have a Mon-Thurs school week. As the primary breadwinner of our household, I will continue my search for contracts that prioritize availability for family, church and friends.

Relationships and Friendships
I belong to a public group – the Nutrisystem Bulletin Board - that is specifically for the purpose of working on my physical goals - part of the 'problem solving' and 'UNsatisfied' components of my goals. To be the woman, the mom, the wife that I want to be – I need to lose weight and get healthy. I do well at being a positive thinker there - and seek out other positive thinkers to be in community with. I avoid the negative thinkers - the naysayers - those who see life as happening TO them rather than living life. I DEFINITELY do not like to be around negative, pessimistic people. I can handle the venting and ranting of a bad day - I have them too - but there are those that vent and even in the midst of their venting are coming up with a solution to their problem and are looking forward with hope and determination - and there are those that sit by the side of the road waiting for a rescue when they haven't even made a call or taken steps to get themselves out of trouble. I seek out those that I feel equality with – that are not looking for a relationship with a pure rescuer…nor with a person who constantly requires rescuing. I take risks there. I share myself openly and honestly - knowing that this will result in some people supporting me - and others attacking me - but knowing that the risk is worth the rewards. However - I do not do enough to live my joy and faith in Jesus Christ in my everyday life in that forum. I will be increasing my efforts in that area. I truly enjoy being part of this forum of people that are not satisfied with going through life overweight or obese – and not only are they not satisfied – they are positive thinkers who are solving that problem. This is a definite priority for my time.

I also belong to a private on-line group. It is a group of people that were brought together two years ago when involved in a common struggle and finding themselves identifying with each other at that point in our lives. Assessing how that group meets my objectives and goals as related to Christianity and surrounding myself with Christians - I find that it is woefully lacking. Though there are some there who are Christians - we are certainly the minority - and I do not feel growth there as a Christian. There are often debates on religion - along with politics or other issues - and while mentally stimulating and ‘interesting’ - I find myself to be one of the sole Christian participants and I do not feel surrounded there by those who live their faith on a daily basis. I also do not feel that sharing my faith or my beliefs is honestly welcome in that group forum. There are some individuals that I have been able to share with more in person or on email with a give and take that I think has allowed growth – but my interest in the group as a whole has stagnated. I have struggled with this for over 9 months now and am finally coming to terms with the fact that it's simply not a match to my needs in personal relationships. There has been encouragement by some within the group to not challenge one another to grow or change or even to get out of dangerous situations but to simply leave everything ‘as is’. I cannot reconcile that with my need for positive thinkers – for risk takers – for the UNsatisfied in my life that will encourage MY growth – and trust me to be open and honest and share their OWN growth. Status quo seems to have become the party line and looking back two years, the same battles are still being fought in the same way (without results) in too many of their lives. This frustrates me as one who wants to see change and growth and the extraordinary in myself and others. There are some that this works with – but I am no longer comfortable sharing myself as openly as I have in the full group setting because it has come to feel very one-sided. This pains me. I also am struggling with negativity that I am encountering in what used to be a very comfortable place for me to be. Venting is encouraged and supported with platitudes – but again – I am unable to reconcile this with my need for problem solving, positive thinkers, risk takers and striving for the extraordinary. I know that I must limit the time I spend in this environment while recognizing the place it has played in my journey to health in the last two years. I suspect that there will come a time soon for me to break ties with the group as a whole – but I have not found myself willing to take that step yet. For now – time I used to spend there will go to my family and my church.

I also have friends that I email with or talk to on-line. Friendships that have developed over the last 2-3 years as I began to step out of my major depression and back into the world of the living. Those that I am in personal contact with – whether it is daily, weekly or even just once a month, are an integral part of my support system – both for the physical changes that I am making in my life by losing weight and getting healthy and in shape – but most especially in my emotional healing and growth. Those that I have developed true friendships with include bonds due to similar histories, backgrounds or cultures. I feel free to be my entire self with this cross-section of friends. As a Christian – though not all are Christians – I am easily able to share my faith and joy and share as intellectual equals. I do not believe that it is right or good for Christians to shut themselves off from people purely due to a difference in – or lack of – religious beliefs – and I celebrate being able to share my Christianity openly. My close friends are all positive thinkers and problem solvers – risk takers – and part of that UNsatisfied portion of the population that wants to move beyond the ordinary to the extraordinary – and challenge me to do the same. They support me in my aspirations to become what God wants of me – they encourage my writing and my desire to write my autobiographical novel for publication – they help me refine my faith and beliefs – challenge me – and are willing to be fully honest with me even if it’s not something I want to hear. I know that I can lean on each and every one of them through the tough times in my life as they are all very strong individuals – but that they will also lean on me when they are going through tough times in their lives. They will trust me with the positives and negatives of their lives and meet me on equal ground. It is a true equality that I believe is essential in a healthy relationship. I cherish these friends – my first true friends since childhood – and recognize the importance that these relationships have in my life.

I have been saddened as I have been so focused on growth the last few years to find that some things have to be let go in order to be able to continue to change and grow and become what is best for me - for my God - for my family - for my children - for my community. I feel pain when I find that what helped me in my journey of change and was a priority in my life just a short time ago may now be standing in my way from continued change and growth. But I am excited about a renewed energy and sense of purpose going forward into the new. I am a believer in the 'surround yourself with people that you want to be like' - not people that have the same bad habits, behaviors you are wanting to change - or may even introduce new bad habits or behaviors to you.’ I detoured from my plan for me - my objectives - my goals - over a year ago. My need to fit in - to be a part of something - to belong - is great. In itself - that's not bad. It's human. However I must be cognizant of WHERE I strive to fit - what I want to be part of - and where I want to belong. I must make wise choices – from spiritual, emotional AND physical standpoints.

In finishing my inventory – I find that there are definite areas that need to be changed – other areas that are healthy and will be supportive to me in my ongoing growth.
So am I re-inventing myself? Not one bit! For GOD invented me - God made me - God set in motion the events of my life. However I AM turning back to what I believe is God's purpose for my life and focusing on what fits in that plan...and letting go of that which does not, however painful that may be for a time in my life.

May God’s presence be evident in my life as I interact with all of those I come in contact with.

Time for a Personal Resume

To those that tell you 'wow - I wish I had your problem of having lost the weight and getting attention' - uh - no - you wouldn't want the problem I'm describing. It can be quite debilitating and I won't minimize it for you at all. The fact is that I went through this same very scary problem in December of 2005 when i had lost 103 pounds and was just 30 pounds from my goal. I started getting attention - POSITIVE attention - and started freaking out. Managed to freak out enough to stick my head back in the sand and gain back 92 pounds in 2006. I don't want that to happen to you. Because I'm convinced that this particular demon CAN be beaten!

I'm going to share some personal info on why I personally had this problem. I am not at all saying that this is the case for others - but I know the 'why' behind my battle with this - and am working ALREADY on how to deal with the problem as I get closer and closer to goal because I'm quite positive it is going to raise its ugly head again. On the other hand - perhaps there is something in the 'why' that I'm going to share that you will relate to and it may help you or others that deal with this and identify your 'why'. Two hard parts to this I think. Identifying the 'why' and then CHANGING our behavior (or our environment in some cases) to ELIMINATE the 'why'. That's why I continually say that losing weight is not a diet - it's not a food plan - it's not packaged vs. do it yourself - it's BEHAVIOR CHANGE - and that is one of the toughest things on this planet to accomplish.

Here goes...

I've shared on this bulletin board before - quite openly - that my first marriage was an abusive one. I was with Mike from the time I was barely 19 and had just been rejected by a fiance until he died when I was 25. What I HAVEN'T shared is what that abuse entailed. Mike never physically hit me -though there are times that I wish it had been that simple and that 'outright'. Visible abuse that others could see is harder to hide. Instead, it was psychological, emotional and sexual. Our 'relationship' actually started as date rape and then my being so horrified - and him acting as though it had been 'normal' - and my low self-esteem from some previous incidents and another sexual assault within that same year, that when he went from 'rape mode' to 'oh wow - you're beautiful and I could love you' mode - I went with it. And thus began my descent into hell. A hell that I couldn't/didn't tell anybody about. He was a perverted, unfaithful predator that I have no doubt had done this to many women before me. In fact I can understand today why he 'picked' me as a victim. Rape by boyfriends or husbands is a very real and awful problem that many women in this country live with.

The scariest thing in this entire weightloss process for me is removing these layers of fat and 'coming out' as a slim beautiful woman. I began hiding behind this fat to discourage Mike from further perversions in our marriage. Yup - ended up moving in with this guy a month after the rape - and 4 years later he was so happy that I stood up for him when he was accused of sexual harrassment of a customer at work!! I was rewarded for my blindness with a beautiful diamond ring - and I thought 'surely NOW he'll change'. Surely the casual sex with women or men wherever he could pick them up would stop. Uh - NO. He was unfaithful to me on our honeymoon. 13 years later - despite him being dead and gone - despite my having a loving, Christian husband who not only knows my 'history' but doesn't judge me for it and whom I very much credit with helping save my life from suicide - I still carry baggage of fear of dealing with men as a visible, beautiful woman. It's safer to hide.

And so - in 2005 I lost 103 pounds - and started getting attention again. I WANTED to be beautiful and slim again - but I simply could not deal with attention to my appearance by ANYBODY. And I'm not talking lewd or inappropriate attention. That actually is 'easier' for me to deal with because I can bury a guy 10 feet under with a look and the harshness of my tongue. The TOUGH ones to deal with are the kind men who just say 'you're looking really healthy and happy' - or even my dad saying 'you look really beautiful' - or three women at work saying 'OMG!! You look GREAT! What have you been doing?' - or just an appreciative glance from a man at the grocery store...all of those can be a reason to stop at the gas station - load up 10 candy bars and eat them ALL on the way home. I'm ready to deal with this as I get closer to goal on how to deal with men's (or women's!) unwanted advances - and NOT get worked up just because a man looks at me or somebody acknowledges my weightloss and appearance!

HOW I'm going to be working on this? Well for me it will likely result in more therapy sessions and a new car for my therapist! lol I am already treated for depression and anxiety - and we (therapist and I) both agree that this is the last 'hurdle' that I must make in my battle for mental health. To be able to be at a healthy and attractive weight and not go crazy with anxiety over this stuff. AND - not gain the weight back like I did in 2006.

If losing the weight scares you at the same time that it excites you, I hope that something I've shared touches a chord with you. Even for those who have never dealt with abuse and the feelings that changed us forever that come from that (and today I am thankful for who I am and the survivor that I am) - we still have to 'learn' how to be slim and attractive. Look at people who win the lotto and become millionaires over night - or celebrities vaulted to wealth - athletes not knowing how to handle the attention of millions of people and amazing wealth - and I really think it's the same thing! Unless those people LEARN how to be gracious, kind millionaires who are responsible adults - they can quite easily end up wasting the money - becoming hard and cynical, etc. And the same is true for us who are working to get to a goal that we have dreamed of - but never been quite sure we could do. And it DEFINITELY affects those of us who are more than 100 pounds overweight - and particularly those who have ALWAYS been overweight (though that is not my case) - FAR more than somebody who has less weight to lose. In the same way that $100k would affect somebody's thinking less than $5million. BOTH are still winners - but one has emotional baggage to work through that is far greater than the other.

People keep telling me that I'm going to regret being so open with my life - but the fact is that I GET so much from all of you by being open and honest and sharing - that I'm willing to take that risk at this point. Besides - I believe in a God who holds me in His hand.

In response to some additional thinking that I've been doing on this matter...I realize that I really have an issue with EVERYTHING positive that is said to me. It's not just my weight loss. And I'm even more amazed as I think 'OMG!! Randy (Therapist) TOLD me that over a year ago - but it didn't 'set in'. It's setting in today. Random thoughts:

I know I'm intelligent...but don't TELL me that or ACKNOWLEDGE my intelligence because I don't know how to respond.

I know I'm funny...and you're allowed to laugh - but don't TELL me that out of the blue when I'm not joking around because I don't know how to respond.

I know I'm beautiful...but don't TELL me that or I freeze up and have this strange urge to argue with you over that fact!

I know my weightloss is evident...but don't SAY anything because I don't know how to respond and will want to go eat.

I know I have pretty long hair...but don't TELL me that or I'll start wearing it up everyday.

I know I'm a good parent and that my children are well-behaved...but don't ACKNOWLEDGE that or I have a strange urge to tell you about the last negative thing they did.

WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?????? Somehow - someway - my recognizing that this isn't just a pattern of behavior that is related to my weight - though that is by FAR the most sensitive for me - gives me hope. It's not just a 'fat' thing. It's a Sophia thing. And reading back over my ramblings I 'hear' my mother in there. I learned this 'deflect/deny/detract' behavior at a very very young age. One can have success - but never talk about it. One can be attractive - but never talk about it. One can be smart - but never talk about it. So - instead of becoming an unbearably spoiled brat with no empathy - I instead have become a fat woman afraid of the positive things in life. Well that's just stupid. Yup - STUPID.

I am a professional - and as such I have a professional resume. I lay out my accomplishments, my goals, my requirements in hard black and white terms and then I give it to absolute strangers. What I NEED is a PERSONAL resume. I need to lay out in hard black and white terms what my PERSONAL accomplishments have been. What my PERSONAL goals are. What my PERSONAL requirements are at this point in life. And then I'm going to 'give' it to absolute strangers by posting it publicly on my blog. Resumes do not deflect/deny/detract - they ACCENTUATE - they GLORIFY - they ATTRACT!!! And by golly - I'm going to do it!

Anybody else want to join me in the positive realm of a PERSONAL resume? I would LOVE to see one for those of you who have shared your stories of these same feelings of debasing emotion. Truly. And with a sense of purpose...I'm marching into my day!!

EMBRACE the hunger!!

YES I'm serious!! Most days on NS plan, I am comfortable - RARELY stuffed - but comfortable and do not get hunger pangs. But every once in awhile I have a day when I am hungry within an hour after a meal - and get REALLY hungry at night when I am all done with my meals and should be satisfied and ready to settle! And when that happens - I get ALL excited.

WHY? Because - if I can stick to the plan 100% through that hunger and just go with it - I wake up in the morning and I'm no longer 'STAAAARRRRVVVINGGGG' - but - I experience a WHOOOOSH in weightloss!! Yup - I'm a daily weigher and make NO apologies for it. It helps me keep it real and is an essential part of my success on NS. And I literally cannot wait to get on the scale tomorrow morning and see what this day of hunger is going to bring! My metabolism has obviously kicked it up a notch and is burning fuel faster today - and I'm going to CELEBRATE it.

Have I ever tested this? Yup. I did. One day when this hit in 2005 was while I was on a vacation - and had the 'opportunity' to go out for Mexican Food. Ahhhh - I LOVE Mex food. That was the only 'off NS' meal I had - and it wasn't a binge - I stuck to fajitas and portion control and no guac or sour cream (ah ). And while I didn't GAIN any weight that week...I also had zero loss. And i know that if I had just white knuckled it through (Heck - it's not like it HURTS - it's just not comfortable!) - that I would have had a loss that week. The Mex food? Yummy - but SO not worth screwing up the thrill of a WHOOOOSH and getting to goal a week sooner.

So next time you are STAAAARRRRVVVINGGGGG hungry - I challenge you to EMBRACE it. ENJOY it - and hold firm to 100% that day on plan - and then come page me the next morning (or that week if you're a weekly weigher) on this BB and tell me how exactly right I was about the WHOOSH!

DARE YA!!

Is staying on plan 100% really WORTH IT?

I hear so many people on the NSBB say 'I just can't do that' - or 'my two glasses of wine a week or one a night just don't slow my weight loss' or 'I need to have one cheat meal or cheat day per week'. And I'm not arguing that point with you! If that's what it takes to get you to goal - then more power to you!

But let's talk some straight, cold, hard facts - and then you can decide whether those things are really worth it - because I ALSO see posts (and guys - I'm not picking on ANY specific post or poster...just general 'feel' of the NSBB after two years) that say 'I don't understand why I'm not losing weight faster - all I had off plan was one piece of cake and that one meal at Olive Garden' etc. So here's some facts.

I've been hosting the 100% 100day challenge. We have a couple hundred people on the challenge and so I have at my disposal some GREAT data! hehehe The people that have stuck on the program 100% for all 28 days that have been reported on so far - have lost an AVERAGE of 5.18% of their body weight. ABOVE the 1% per week. So a 200 pound person would be losing approx. 10 pounds plus a few ounces per month - on average!

Well that sounds awesome doesn't it?? So what would happen if those folks had just one little piece of cake and so only had 27 days at 100%? Well - not completely scientific - but I can tell you that those that were 100% for 27 days on the plan lost an AVERAGE of 4.73% of their body weight. Almost half a percent less! Is that a big deal? Hmm - well - if you're at 200 right now - that's an additional pound you could have lost last month....maybe a big deal to you - maybe not!

What about two days off plan in a month? Well - those folks lost 3.13% on average. Wow! Almost 2 percent LESS than the 28 dayers!! So now - a 200 would be losing 6 pounds while the 28 dayers lost 10. Hmmmm - 4 pounds less in a month. Worth the glass of wine? Worth the piece of cake? Worth eating out?

Those are all decisions YOU have to make - but the fact is - that not being on NS 100% - DOES affect weight loss. Thats why the plan is designed as it is - and if it's not in that book - or following NS guidelines - it's not on the plan.

Is it worth it???

As for me? Nope - not worth it - I'm 100% on plan today. PERIOD.

The most mis-used and under-used words in the English language...I'm Sorry

The two most mis-used and under-used words in the English language…I’m Sorry.

Perhaps – technically – it is actually three words as ‘I’m’ is a contraction and we’re really dealing with the full phrase I am sorry. But either way – I see these words as the most mis-used words in the English language. Ironically – they are also under-used despite their regular appearance in our world – verbally – in writing – even in body language.

I’m sorry, that’s just how it is.

I’m sorry if you don’t like my opinion

I’m sorry but you have to hear what I have to say

I’m sorry this is frustrating you.

Now really – AM I sorry? What is ‘I’m sorry’ anyway? What is an apology? Having been in an emotionally and verbally abusive first marriage to a cheater of the worst kind – I heard a lot of I’m sorry’s. Never ‘I’m sorry I hit you’ – but certainly ‘I’m sorry I made you cry’. Inevitably, the next word out of my husband’s mouth rebutted that statement and increased the abuse and brainwashing that what he did – what he said – what he chose – was really all MY problem. That one little word was ‘but’. Seriously – can ‘but’ follow a genuine apology? In my eyes, when I am truly apologetic for something – utterly and completely contrite and sincere - I want to convey two messages to the person I am talking to.
1. I was wrong – in my actions – my perception – my judgments – my whatever – I was wrong.
2. I don’t want to do that to you again.

So if I follow up with ‘but’ – do I not just completely ERASE my ‘I’m sorry’?? It’s so obvious to us when we hear of cases of physical abuse. ‘I’m sorry I hit you….but you made me mad’. Most all of us hear that and say ‘no – you’re NOT sorry – you just want me to stop being mad’. Infidelity – another huge problem in my first marriage. ‘I’m sorry I was with that man/woman…but I just needed some ‘strange’. Uh…then you’re not really sorry – right? Believe me – I did not comprehend this while I was married to the man – it took many years of self-recrimination for what I must have done wrong to drive him to have sex with other people, and a lot of therapy before I recognized that it was his problem – not mine. The fact is – he was sorry he got caught! But there was no recognition of personal wrongdoing – nor any perception that he wouldn’t do it again. That is until he was on his deathbed and finally crushed by the guilt and truly contrite. Before he had to deal with his life as a slowly closing door and stare at his actions and choices for hours at a time as he slipped away – he would have gladly done the same thing again if he could get by with it and not get ‘caught’. On his deathbed, I finally heard a full apology – though by that point I was so convinced from the last 6 years that this was somehow something lacking in me that I could not fully accept or even hear his apology for several years. ‘I’m sorry I unfaithful to you before and after our marriage. I know I made you think sometimes that it was all in your head, but it wasn’t. I did X, Y and Z. It was inexcusable behavior that you in no way deserved. Will you please forgive me?’ And I said the words of forgiveness – though true forgiveness took a long time and did not occur until he was long gone.

The other follow-on word that just doesn’t cut it for me in a sincere apology is ‘if’. Again – it erases the apology. It lightens the load of guilt and is a request that you not get angry at me for what I’m about to say. Well guess what? I still get angry – or hurt – or downright disgusted – with what comes after I’m sorry when it is immediately followed by ‘if’. It’s so rampant in our language. The most common? I’m sorry if you don’t agree. HUH? Why would you be sorry if I don’t agree? What I hear is that you are about to CHOOSE to say something that you fully recognize could piss me off. If you were truly sorry about that possibility (i.e. ‘wrong’ and ‘don’t do it again’) – then you wouldn’t continue!! I’m so attuned now to hearing ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ after apologies that I sometimes start laughing at rather inappropriate moments because it’s so obviously a 180 turn on what the person is saying or about to say. Empathy – that I understand. When I say ‘I’m sorry, but I flat out disagree’ – don’t I REALLY mean ‘I flat out disagree but I don’t want you to be angry at me for doing so’? An empathetic way of delivering the message would be ‘I realize that this may not be what you want to hear – but you need to leave your husband if he’s beating you and the kids’. Not ‘I’m sorry – but you need to leave him immediately’.

So I’m sensitive to ‘I’m sorry’s’ now. My children are well aware of it. When they are sent to apologize to somebody – buts and ifs are not allowed to follow their ‘I’m sorry’. I have attempted to eliminate all ‘buts and ifs’ from my apologies though it’s a tough habit to break. I call my husband on ‘buts and ifs’ when they come from him in the guise of an apology. And it’s making a difference in our family. A word that can always follow the ‘I’m sorry’ phrase to begin making that change is ‘I’. It’s very difficult to say ‘I’m sorry I’ sincerely and then not continue with sincerity in the rest of our apology. I teach my children that ‘I’m sorry’ is not enough…they must state what action of their own (an ‘I’ statement) they are sorry for – recognize the impact on the other person – and then make a statement of desire not to do so again. Otherwise – what’s the point? What’s the point of even ‘Say it NICE’. HUH? Whether it’s delivered in a sullen tone of voice that’s barely distinguishable as language or with a ‘nice’ tone of voice to please mom isn’t what it's all about!

Even our media does this. ‘I’m sorry to report that we have an accident at Main and Oak’. Ummmmmm – no. Actually – it’s your job to report and sorry doesn’t enter into it. You not only are not saying that you have done something wrong by telling us – but in fact you’re going to do it again! ‘I’m sorry to report that your son has been killed in an accident’ = ‘Please don’t hate me for bringing you this bad news’. However it is not contrition – for the person delivering the news has done nothing wrong. Empathy and contrition have become intermixed meanings for ‘I’m sorry’ and I refuse to add to that anymore! And I’m NOT sorry for that!

So the term is mis-used – in my not so humble opinion – and I’m not sorry for sharing my opinion with you even if you totally disagree or find that you now dislike me for sharing my opinion. But I challenge you to think further on this term that is so totally mis-used today as either an expression of empathy – or as a desire to escape wrath or consequences – for I believe it is also the most under-used term in our language.

How often do we do wrong to others – whether accidently or purposely? Speaking for myself – I must admit that it is quite often. I spend time lost in my own thoughts rather than paying attention to my family. I cut people off in traffic – sometimes even on purpose. I say things in unkind ways rather than choosing kind ways. I react before I think. I judge and pre-judge without having all the facts. I take frustrations out on my family. I take frustrations out on innocent clerks or customer service people. And how often do I deliver a true contrite ‘I’m sorry’? Not often enough – that’s for sure. What would occur in this world if these most mis-used words were suddenly no longer used as an expression to get ourselves out of trouble? And what would happen if we were to suddenly re-adopt the original purpose of these under-used words to show our sincere remorse for our actions without explanation for ‘why’ and simply state our guilt, our empathy to the situation we caused for the other person, and our desire to make it right in the future?

I leave you to think…and challenge you to think about what you really mean the next time you find yourself forming those words: I’m Sorry.

Personality Tests - Yeah - What about it?

It's just that it's, so, so, me!!

Okay - I think that's the POINT of personality tests - but all the things I sometimes have a tough time putting into words to explain 'where I'm coming from' gets caught up in the results of my personality tests. Even the fact that my particular personality type is only 2% of the population comes as absolutely no surprise to me - for it is not often that I find in a group of 100 people - even one person that I feel a connection with - not a CLOSE connection. And yet I am overwhelmed in that same group of 100 people by connections to ALL of them to a certain degree. Hang on - I'll just post this and it'll make more sense....

This is me. In a really BIG nutshell...

My Type is
INFJ
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
33 12 12 11

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.01
Date of Revision: 6 Mar 2005

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:
Introverted iNtuition

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.
Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.
Introverted Thinking

The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.
Extraverted Sensing

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.
Famous INFJs:

Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet

U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter

Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley McClain (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May
Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.
Copyright © 1996-2007 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

Week 9 - I Remember This Feeling

Last time around on this journey, I didn't start blogging or journaling until much, much later in my journey. I wish now that I had (and if you're just starting - I encourage YOU to start journaling/blogging NOW!) because as I am walking this familiar path, I find myself suddenly remembering particular stages as I go through them yet again. It would have been helpful to me when I was in my state of denial to have some of this to read to recapture those emotions.

Today - the feeling I am remembering is one that didn't occur just one week - or at a specific weight - or at a specific size - but ALL THE WAY through my journey. And it relates closely to Revorexia. What is revorexia you ask?? Ahhh - you need to scroll down to Week 5 on my blog and read that post first! :) Simply put - revorexia is the opposite of anorexia - and is the state of denial that I can easily end up in when I literally don't SEE the fat in the mirror - and instead just see an attractive 38 year old woman. And while in this state, it is easy for me to gain from 195 to 220 thinking 'yeah - it's a little bit more weight, but I still look good' - and then more (but I stop checking on the scale - I just buy new cute clothes that fit) - and then those get tight so I buy new ones - and then I do it again - and then one day 9 months later I find the horrible truth when I actually get on the scale and I'm back up to 285.

So I FIGHT Revorexia every single day of my life now. Just as anorexics must do by making it an hourly and daily fight for survival - I fight my own disease. I fight it by LOOKING CLOSELY at myself in the mirror - full length and naked preferably so that I'm not hiding fat with cute clothes. No makeup is good so I don't get distracted by a made-up face. Just me - no denial - and realistic. The other key is my scale. I weigh DAILY - because it keeps me honest. Sure - it varies from day to day - but as I go down in weight, there are lines I draw of 'never again'. Today I weighed in at 258 and my 'never again' is over 265. My weight from day to day may vary for the next week from 253 to 263 - and right now I'm on a 100% challenge so I am CONFIDENT it's not going above 265 - but it allows me to 'mark that off' for the future. Because one day I want my 'never again' point to be 165 instead of 265.

But that's still not the point!! Yeah - I ramble. Deal with it. I weighed in yesterday morning for my 'official' weigh-in - the day that I actually record and publish my weight and it doesn't matter whether it's been 3 pounds lower earlier in the week...or 3 pounds higher the day before...THAT day is the week's official weigh-in. Now my GOAL for this week was to lose 4 pounds. I know that I can average 3 pounds of weight loss each week at this stage because I kept records last time. So I have a weekly goal. I messed up after Christmas so I have two weeks here where I need to make up a couple pounds and lose 4 pounds each week instead of the usual 3 that I work for. And until I get back on track - I keep striving for a makeup week each and every week! So my first feeling was elation - YES!! I DID IT!!! Until that moment, I wasn't sure it was coming because I hadn't seen 258 on the scale yet that week. So yesterday I'm struttin' proud - happy that I met my self-imposed weekly goal - happy that as host of the 100% 100day challenge that I was showing that 100% is WORTH the sacrifices - and just pretty darn proud of myself! Maybe even a bit TOO much ego!! lol

Then this morning comes. I weigh in at 258 again. That's a GOOD thing because it shows me that yesterday's weigh-in wasn't an anamoly and I'm here for real. And then I felt this other feeling coming over me. 258 pounds. More than TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY pounds. 58 pounds over 200 which would STILL be overweight for me. Still 98 pounds from my Nutrisystem goal. And I looked in the mirror and I saw fat. I saw the fat of the excess eating and low activity of 2006. And I was disgusted, and sad, and just 'blech' about the whole thing. I need to lose weight. I can't stand this look. So I stopped looking in the mirror and went and had my NS breakfast - 100% on plan. Through the course of the morning, as I was on the BB and updating stats for the challenge members, I started having yet another feeling - and I thought 'I REMEMBER this feeling!!!' and it struck me suddenly that I went through these emotions every single week - every single 'day after official weigh-in'. And I went through this same cycle of emotions all the way down the scale to 191 last time!! And while I don't think this would be understandable to anybody who doesn't suffer from Revorexia - I think for those of us that suffer from Revorexia that it is really key to CONTINUING down the scale and CONTINUING our journey.

This next emotion that came over me as I was on the BB this morning was "Okay - so you reached 258 yesterday - and that's good - but the fact is that you are still obese. You are 98 pounds from your goal and you cannot afford to strut around proudly ANY LONGER. You have another goal this week - and that is to weigh in at 254 this NEXT SATURDAY - so you need to focus on that and stay on plan 100% and exercise even harder this week." Immediately I felt all 98 of those pounds again. I have a lot of weight to lose - but I know that I can do it. And I will do it by keeping it REAL - by being HONEST with myself each and every day with where I am at today and what my final goal is. I will FEEL those excess 98 pounds....those excess 80 pounds....those excess 50 pounds...those excess 10 pounds...all the way to goal. For when I stop feeling those excess pounds and spend even several DAYS strutting proud instead of being real...I start sliding. I start excusing myself for slipping up. I start thinking that perhaps I've beat this monster forever and I COULD have a slice of cheesecake for lunch...and another for dinner...a big STEAK dinner maybe...and mexican food tomorrow...and off I go back up the scale.

I'm reminded of athletes who excel in the Olympics - or in the pros - who strive for a new record - reach it - enjoy it - and then they turn right around and say 'that isn't good enough - I'm going for an even BETTER record' - and off they go again. It's the same cycle that I absolutely must apply to my weight battle. I always need a new goal - a new thing to strive for. What's amazing to me is that I KNOW this in my personal life. I apply it in my work all the time - and yet I have never consciously applied it to my physical body. But that has CHANGED.

I dedicate this entry to those of you who, like me, have to keep it real every single day. I challenge you to remember the feelings - and push forward yet again for another one of those days of 'YES! I DID it!' as you reach your next weekly goal. I challenge you to FEEL the 'omg...there's so much more to go yet'. And then I challenge you to FEEL the belief that you can get all the way to goal. FEEL it ALL...every single emotion whether pleasant or not! :)

Keepin' it Real in 2007...

Sophia (cestmoi)

Still Week 8...why am I here?

I'm not asking the 'why am I here on this earth' question. That would be stupid. I'm here cuz my mom and dad...well...they did things I don't like to think about them doing. And I'm STILL here through the grace of God. Truly. But that's not the question.

Why am I here on Nutrisystem working to lose weight? Let's see. There's some specific reasons that are expected here. My health. To be here for my children. Because God wants this of me. For myself. But you know what? That ain't it. And while you're wondering - when I use words like 'ain't' - it's not because I'm uneducated. It's sarcasm. If you don't get sarcasm - you're not likely to get me. So I've listed the reasons that are always given for why people are at Nutrisystem to lose weight. And you know - I believe - oh - about 20% of them. So yeah - I suppose that means I think that 80% of you aren't being completely honest. Oops! Might I get in trouble for that? I guess it depends which group you put yourself in. Of course these numbers are opinion only and are completely pulled from the sky and not a statistic. By the way - were you aware that a full 67% of statistics are made up on the spot? Yeah. So there you go.

There are some people out there who truly HAVE had a health scare - one that is severe enough - mixed along with their particular personality - that they actually decide to do something about it. But let's face it. We ALL know a LOT of people that don't fall in that category. We know the people who eat bacon every morning even though their dad died of a heart attack at 45...the smokers who continue to smoke even while they're on oxygen for emphesyma...the overweight people with diabetic relatives who keep eating carbs and sugar like there's no tomorrow. And the thing is - I'm one of them. Granted - I haven't had a huge health scare...I'm just saying that I'm rather afraid that even a health scare wouldn't change my behavior permanently. It's just not what motivates me. Even at 38, I have moments when I recognize my mortality - but by and large I live my life thinking 'that won't happen to me'.

Then there are the 'for my kids' people. Yeah - there are some that are such awesome parents - who put their kids at the absolute forefront of their lives - that they would do ANYTHING for them - including losing weight. Here's the thing. I would throw myself in front of a car for my children - but if it comes to enjoying gourmet food or being able to run and chase my children? I'll watch them from the sidelines and enjoy the food on the cruise. Am I a bad parent? Well I don't think so. My friends and family don't think so. My kids don't think so. I love my children very much - enough to die for them - but playing with them does not motivate me to lose weight.

There are the people who recognize that the scripture refers to our bodies as a temple. A temple of the Lord's. And it is their desire to lose weight to be a temple pleasing to God. Now I am a Christian - not a 'I believe in God and was raised as a Christian' kind of Christian. I am a 'I fully believe that Jesus Christ is my savior' Christian. Some would call me a bible-thumper. (then again others think I am anything but!) - but this is not what motivates me to lose weight. Do I think it's a valid reason? Absolutely. It's just - if I'm brutally honest with myself - it's not what's motivating me. Even though it would sound good to my fellow Christians. But, I'm a sinner first and fully human - and this just isn't what is motivating me.

Then there are those who are 'losing weight for themselves'. I'm talking about the group that may have had a rough life - perhaps they're recently divorced from an abusive husband - or have an empty nest now and it's time to focus on taking care of THEMSELVES for the first time in years...or the first time ever. I think these people exist too. But I'm not one of them. I like myself. I like my sense of humour. I like my intelligence level. I like being a good friend, daughter, wife and mother - but I can't say that any of this is motivating me to lose weight.

So what's left? Surely I'm not one of those shallow people who are losing weight to LOOK good. I mean really - how shallow would that BE? Well - perhaps it is shallow. I don't know anymore whether it's shallow or not. All I know is that I have tried to fit myself into the 'health, kids, God and me' reasons for years now and I simply do not fit. My therapist (oh my goodness! She goes to a therapist - there must be something wrong with her! Yeah - it's called depression and anxiety disorder. Not ashamed about it and talk openly about it - so get over it) and I have had conversations about this because we both know that I am facing the last hurdle of my therapy. My weight. This ongoing battle with fat. At the time (this was last August) he had told me in the same session 'Look. You know what works for you to lose this weight. You need to talk to DeeDee and ask her for support and get back on the program and just DO it. Stop analyzing and overthinking and just do what you need to do'. Boy did he piss me off. But I'm quite good at hiding how pissed off (hurt?) I am until I decide exactly how I'm going to deal with a situation - so I just nodded and agreed. And then he asked me 'Have you determined what it is that motivates you to lose weight?' And I had to answer no. Now, I kind of knew. But I didn't want to admit it. Even to this therapist who knows my deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets. But I also couldn't use the 'health, kids or me' answer. He even asked 'is it your health'? No. Doesn't help that he's decided to take on a second career so in addition to counseling he's becoming a nurse...so of COURSE he would focus on the physical. ARGGGH. So, since the session was coming to a close, I finally said 'you know - I think that for right now, I'm motivated by anger - will that do?' And he said 'sure - it will work for now until you determine what really motivates you'.

Haven't seen him since. Not like I had to...at this point in my mental health, I'm in therapy more on a 'when I call and need help' basis. But I knew walking out of there that I was pissed - that I didn't LIKE his questions...or his telling me to 'just DO IT'...and I was already FURTHER pissed off because I knew this was going to flap right back in my face and I would sit on my ass just to make him not right. Cuz I can be like a three year old child in tantrums at times. If you are going to try and MAKE me do something I don't want to do? I ain't a doin' it. If you tell me there's no way I can do something? Well then you see an amazing whirlwind of accomplishment. But I digress...

So I got back on the program in mid-November after a scale scare. And I still wasn't clear on what was motivating me. I knew I was disgusted with myself for gaining 92 pounds back...that was clear. I knew that I needed to get back to NS to lose the weight...that was clear. I knew I couldn't do it without the support of the BB (and DeeDee and my other friends too! :)...that much was clear. But why lose the weight? I know so many people who are fat - overweight - obese - you name it - and they really don't get that worked up about it. I had a fat-hating-mom (those of you who are getting to know DeeDee can see why we 'clicked'!) who managed her weight through a binge and starve method all her life...still does. I FEARED becoming overweight and I feared that I WAS fat long before I was. So I DO get worked up about being fat. I don't like it. AT ALL. I feel 'less than' when I am fat. My chronic depression and anxiety problems skyrocket when I'm fat. My husband - who is about as 'emotion cause/effect aware' as a piece of granite recognizes how much worse my mental health is when I'm fat. But what MOTIVATES me?

Well here it is. My appearance. I know damn well that I can be beautiful - be sexy - be 'hot' - be eye-catching - when I am not fat. And I want that. Some of it scares me - particularly after my first round of marriage and the crud that came with that - but the fact is that I WANT to be as attractive as I possibly can be. I'm not talking plastic surgery or weird crap like that. But I AM talking about wanting to look awesome. Yeah - that's what motivates me. I admit it - and I think that I'll get further in this journey by admitting it than by trying to pretend that one of these other common reasons given for losing weight is what is actually motivating me. And yes 'dreamoutloud' - you have indeed inspired my writing and enlightenment towards self-honesty tonight - and I thank you. :)

So now that I'm honest - and know and admit what motivates me - I'll be working on the next part - because there IS another part to this - and that is what my goals are relating to my weight loss besides just seeing that number '160' (or lower???) on my scale some morning. I do have other goals...and I'll share those with you...but that's for another day.

Thanks for 'listening' - and may you be honest to that which motivates YOU in this battle - for through that honesty is an important step in this path of weight loss. And I DO want to see all of you at the end of this path. :)

Be well - and God Bless.

Week 8 - Now I'm REALLY back!

yea - I'm baaaaccckkkk!!! And you're thinking - uh yeah - and so what? You've been posting here again...active on the NSBB again...so how are you just now 'back'?

I mean I'm back to ME. I'm fully aware that I haven't been 'me' on a consistant basis for almost a year. I can even see the path clearly now as to HOW and WHY that happened...I blogged some with the 'revorexia' tilt - but that's just the fat part. It's a symptom of the real issues. And when it comes to real issues - could be long...take that back...it IS long...REALLY REALLY long.

I spent most of 2005 as me. 100% me. Feeling good about who I am, even though I had some weight to lose from my physical self. Strong in my faith spiritually - emotionally thinking clearly and healthy -physically dealing with the physical problem of obesity. And then that changed. And I can track back to the events that contributed...and they contributed NOT because of the events - NOR because of the people involved (cuz some of ya'll who read here were involved in some of this) - but because of ME and my falling back into some bad, old behaviors. You see - the person you have been dealing with for the past year is the one that Mike left on this earth. Broken, confused, unsure, low self-esteem, self loathing, trying to be 'everything to everyone', worrying more about what people thought of me than how I treated others and accepted THEM. Good news - she's gone now. Bad news - she's still in there - but I trust you all
enough that I want to kind of give you the 'warning signs' of what brings her about (in my head) because I'm not positive that I can keep her at bay all by myself. And yes - I was diagnosed as borderline multi-personality in my 20's...and yes - this is why. What no longer happens - and what I am EXCEEDINGLY thankful for - is that I no longer get those black periods of 'no memories'...and in fact have re-gained those memories from those black periods through a lot of work and pain. When this used to occur (since I was a kid - literally - I would switch between these two parts of 'me' - 1st grade was a black hole until a few years ago) - I could never remember things that occurred to the other me.

Okay -really - not trying to freak anybody out - cuz it's not like this other me even has a separate name...well - sometimes I call her Sybil...but...KIDDING!!! I TOLD you I'm BACK!! :) hehehe But I have struggled with what I have no doubt would have been my personality had
things gone differently in my life...differently as in worse...differently as in living my life WITHOUT faith...without love...without hope.

Soooooo - first up? Went to work in Chicago last August. Going to work out of state is ALWAYS tough for me because it separates me physically from my family and doing so puts me in a different state of mind than simply going to work and returning home every night. Whether I like it or not - I become more distant.

Then TXLILBITS struck. Hard. I would love to have the thick skin of a DeeDee - but the fact is I don't. I try to act like I do - but I don't. Nita - you are able to let things roll off of you as well...I
admire it. Truly. But when things hit me - even if they don't actually cause a wound - they sometimes cause a 'pit' in my armor. And unless I get that thoroughly washed clean right AWAY - it starts a little rust spot. And that rust spot grows and eats away at me. You got the picture. I have never- EVER had a stranger attack me in the manner that she did and I was REALLY taken aback. Tough on the exterior - but LOTS of pits. And I started rusting. Even though it
may not have been evident at the time.

Then - TMSM (the mini-snark meeting...17 friends who met on NSBB in 2005 and keep in regular contact - some of us got together) in Palm Springs. I went from liking you guys online but not fully caring if you liked me or not - not being vulnerable in other words - to caring TOO much (again!!) what people thought of me or how they felt about me and not caring enough about MYSELF to just be me. DeeDee sat quietly so much of the time and I couldn't figure
that out cuz we had laughed so hard together online...why was she just observing me...and what was she SEEING...and what was that little smile of hers all about??? And here I had thought we would bond (and had bonded) closely... And Sharon...I hadn't even caught on that she didn't like to hug like DeeDee had...and I'm usually pretty good with body language...how had I missed that? Was I pushing myself on her? And Nita...we stuck her in her house with a needle in her hand and just kept pushing our faces at her all weekend...I had no time to talk with her one on one either like I wanted to...this awesome Christian with so much LIFE so much VERVE - and I felt bad. Granted - the whole weekend STARTED because I wanted to get my eyes tattooed...but still - there were too many of us on the table for one weekend - right Nita? :) And on and on it went. I know, I know, I Know - this was MY stuff not yours. :)

Then I started having men paying attention to me. Now really - is it because I like to wear sexy clothing (I don't mean whorish - I mean well-fit that shows my figure) and wear three inch heels and I was back in normal sized clothing?? REALLY? Yeah - it probably was. :) But it freaks me out. Always has - probably always will. I have a twisted desire for window shopping only when it comes to men...and yet I have to recognize that sooner or later, somebody IS going to try and come in the store and take a closer look at the merchandise...and i have to come up with a way to handle that gracefully that doesn't put me in a tailspin back into eating for comfort. I can talk about this stuff right now when I'm at 267 pounds because it's not happening. But when I am feeling attractive, I don't like to talk about it because I hear my mother's voice or see her manner about this same weirdness with beauty. I truly hope that I am teaching my daughter to be COMFORTABLE with her beauty even though there can be uncomfortable circumstances.

Then I head to Phoenix for family reunion. I love these people. I really do (well - my brother excepted - him I cannot truly express what emotion I feel - not to mention that many of the black spots left in my memory involve him). And on the one hand, I know that they accept me as ME - just the way that you guys do. On the other hand, I know that the culture I came from is very conceited for all its humble nature. It's almost hilarious to me most of the time...'I'm a TRUE Christian - look at me - look at how HUMBLE I am - ME - one of God's CHOSEN'...but this conceit and arrogance extends to weight in a BIG way. Quite literally - none of my mom's family are overweight. Some have been - up to 20 pounds maybe - and I saw the same pain in them at those times that I know is written all over me. The weird thing is...when these people that I know have issues with fat tell me that I look really good and start asking questions about how I lost weight - I start to DOUBT MYSELF that they would accept me if I were fat. And
I get pissed off. Note - I DOUBT MYSELF. They don't cause that - I do.

I made a friend very early on at NS - Wendy - who became very precious to me very quickly. We were both Christians - both Presbyterian as it turns out (and I've only considered myself Pres for a few years...so that was a neat thing to me). Both of us had similar first marriages...and both of our husbands died from cancer. It was actually very eerie (and thus you know me - I believed Holy Spirit led) as we started to compare our lives with things we had never told ANYBODY. We stayed in regular contact via email and even got together while she was near Chicago and I was working there. But after we met, things somehow cooled for some reason I could not define. And then she told me that she was wanting to start another 100% for 100 days challenge on Jan 4th last year - and i wanted to join with her - and I asked if she wanted to open it up to the board. And she did. And so I put this big ol' challenge together - what was it 120 people or sommething that joined? It was insane. And Wendy didn't show - and didn't show - and then she showed but something was wrong/different. And then she stopped even talking
to me via email. That hurt. A lot. I still don't know what happened there or why. And I need to address that with her. But instead of even talking about how I was hurting, I just withdrew and let HER out.

I've had a few moments of 'good' in the last year - and our vacations were some of them. The real 'me' is much more likely to be available on vacations because that other me is more into the prison of her home. So I went through some healing - a lot of thinking - a lot of praying - a lot of searching - and it culminated in mid-November when I pulled out the damn scale I had hidden 9 months before and weighed myself. There were the facts. Again - my weight is only a symptom of the problem - the other symptoms being that I can go for 3-4 weeks at
a time without LEAVING MY HOUSE. Yup. I can go for a week without giving a crap about showering. Yup. I can go for MONTHS without giving a crap about shaving. Yup. I go for weeks without going to church...with barely functioning for work...with an almost vegetative state and DEFINITE depression. But the key symptom is the weight. And it's key because ALL of those other symptoms don't stand a chance if I start eating healthy and feeling better physically. They just all start going - one by one.

So I'm back on plan - have been on plan (and no - not 100% the entire time - but with adjustments for my non-100% times and very 'real' plan not some diet for a few months) for going on 7 weeks now. I also took a break from the snarks (the 17 folks from NSBB that I bonded with) and from all other boards I've been on and jumped back into the NSBB. Because I knew that WORKED for me two years ago when I joined NS (two years on 2/11). It's odd - I literally FEEL thinner again and I'm convinced it is because all the crap that I have taken on over the last year is being let go and I'm caring enough about MYSELF to just be me. Wow. Cathartic. Posting on the NSBB again has been so good for me to recognize that I have worth outside of my little circle of friends here...outside of the walls that I build up around me...outside of my house that I imprison myself in.

And the real me...
I may be more smart mouthed than I've been in the last year.
I may be more up front and honest than I've been in the last year.
I may cry more, laugh more, FEEL more than I have in the last year.
I may reach beyond my little circle for more friendships and more people that will support me and allow me to support THEM (so key to me for relationships. :) rather than burrowing into worrying about just this one group and making sure that you ALL love me. You may not! :)

So...all that to say...I'm BACK. I'm posting regularly on the NSBB -and will continue to do so because it is ESSENTIAL to my health -physically and emotionally and physically and emotionally and physically and...yea - you get the idea. I'll be blogging a bit again - I really want to capture these feelings for reference as I continue...as I find I am 're-living' things from 2005 and would rather have it down in writing that I can refer to from GOAL rather than go back up to 250 to see what that felt like!! lol

The other key in here is that WHILE I'M FEELING BETTER (but not GREAT) - I am working with my doctors on my medications and whether they're the right ones...the right doses...etc. I am unable to ask for help when I am in the spot I spent June-October in. And unfortunately, those around me do not recognize my half-functional-depression symptoms enough to go GET me help. So I'm working on what happened then...and what could well try and happen again with my chronic depression to have a better plan for the future. So right now I'm trying a slightly higher dose of the same meds to see if that stabilizes me better and gets me back to DOING rather than just thinking. I've researched, at my doctor's suggestion, some information on PMDD as a potential problem...and have decided 'nope - that's not it'. I'm still 'comfortable' (as comfortable as one can get!! lol I mean I believe it's 'right' based on my research) with the diagnosis of chronic major depression and general anxiety disorder. I actually took the time to write down all the 'symptoms' of what is not right in my life and then put them against symptom lists for depression, anxiety disorder and PMDD...yup - lined right up.

I am not ready yet to say that I am done having babies. There's a big part of me that really wants to have 'just one more'. And I know that I am approaching a high risk time for pregnancy...and that I don't want to get pregnant until I am down at goal weight (and preferably have maintained for 6 months or so) and...biggest issue of all...I cannot chance getting pregnant on my current medication. And so - if we are going to have more children - I am facing a drug change at SOME point in the near future anyway. And...likely to a drug family that while safe for pregnant/lactating women...causes weight gain. How can this BE???? I don't want to hear that. I feel as though somebody has told me 'you can either have a baby...or you can be slim and healthy'. NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I want to stamp my feet and cry because I want BOTH dammit!!

Now what to do? Ahhhh - yes. God. My God who knows all, who had a plan for me before I was even born and yet allows me to make choices and decisions and some awful mistakes in my life and STILL loves me. It's time to turn this over to God and look for HIS direction in my life. For I am certain that He loves me. I have no doubt of His gifts to me - the greatest being salvation - and I have faith that He, through the Holy Spirit, will guide my path, if I just ask.

So there I am. I'm back...and life is life...and I'm living it.

Week 5 back on plan - Why did I STOP???

Okay obviously that question has been haunting my daydreams AND nightmares for months now. I had lost 103 pounds - was down to 191 and just 31 pounds from goal when I suddenly began going in the other direction! WHY??? I have been told to stop psycho-analyzing the whys and just 'DO IT'. Just eat what I know is healthy (i.e. NS since I still hate to cook!! lol) and just exercise and get my body moving. So I AM doing that. But I refuse to stop psycho-analyzing!!! Sorry Mr. Therapist!!

Why refuse to stop psycho-analyzing?? Because I am still convinced there's a 'key' in here to my behavior. Granted, my battle with chronic depression (medicated) does not help. Granted, my history of spousal abuse does not help. Granted, my history of a mom with a critical nature when she was available in my childhood (which was not often/always) did not help create good behaviors and patterns. But I don't believe that it sits in all of those areas. Why? Because I AM medicated and am not currently depressed - nor have I been for several months and yet I continued to eat. Because I HAVE forgiven Mike for what he did to me and do not see that as something that haunts me every day - he died 13 years ago and it's PAST now. Because I have absolutely forgiven my mom and that was when I was a child and these behaviors have gotten WORSE as an adult - so that can't be 'it'.

So what IS the key? I'm exploring something new to me - not new in that I've never been aware of this within me before - but new in that I've never thought about it possibly being the 'key'. But it makes SENSE!!! Here's my thought process - it's long - and it rambles - so grab your water before you sit down for the ride. :)

Let's start with anorexia. My therapist told me over a year ago that he fully believed in me and that he believed that I COULD beat this obesity and compulsive overeating. And I believe HIM. Not that I always believe that myself. At the same time, he told me something to the effect (I'm paraphrasing - I don't tape our sessions! lol) "The difficulties and challenges that you have faced in your life from childhood until now could have gone another direction. They could have very easily taken you in the direction of Anorexia Nervosa - and if that had happened I would be fearful for your very life. I wouldn't be blowing smoke up your skirt and telling you that I believed you could beat it. Because most anorexics who are fully enveloped in the disease rarely can stay healthy long enough to work through the issues before they die from what they put their body through". That statement really stuck with me. It was the second time that he said something that put me on full alert that the emotional demons that I fight really COULD kill me. (the first being when he told me that he had been moments from hospitalizing me for my own safety a few weeks before). I no longer feel invincible.

Because I like to know things - I've done more research on AN. I always knew I wasn't AN (kind of a duh - I don't tend to control myself around food at all!) and there were times when I was in my 20's that I foolishly even WISHED to be AN - just for a while to get down to a good weight. Now, remembering those wishes terrifies me as I realize I may not be here with my children and husband today. They also terrify me when I am around friends/family members that flirt with AN and do not want to deal with the fatality of 'over-thin'. So what I know about anorexia today is that it is NOT a weight-loss method. It is NOT about the food. Not at all! It is about faulty mirrors. Mirrors that work for others but do not work for the one suffering AN. They look in the mirror at a 95 pound body on a 5'6" frame and what do they see? They see fat - they see a 'pouch' over the hip area that has to be fat (though I can plainly see that it is actually their hip bones jutting out from their skin). They believe that the natural elasticity of the skin that allows us to bend from side to side and can be pinched together even on a young child is FAT. They see fat on every inch of their body and it drives them absolutely crazy. And to deal with that, they refuse to put food into their mouth - or in such small quantities that their metabolisms go into full-starvation mode and what would normally cause huge weightloss in a healthy person results in just more muscle being eaten away. And then when they attempt to eat 'normally' they gain weight way too fast and it becomes a viscious cycle.

So I look up the 'opposite of anorexia' one day as I'm going through this thought process because I have an 'idea'. And I find 'bigorexia' is the supposed opposite of anorexia. This is somebody who feels that they are NEVER muscular or 'big' enough. Generally men - but some women who get into body-building can go down this track as well. Gotta tell you - I think the experts are WRONG. Yup - I think they're wrong. And here's why! :) I believe that I have the opposite of anorexia - reverse anorexia - 'revorexia' for want of a better term. And what I 'have' is NOT bigorexia. I don't desire to be bigger or more muscular. Far from it.

Let's start with where I was in February of 2005. I KNEW I was overweight. That was kind of a 'duh' because I had to buy 24/26W clothing. And because when I laid on my back I felt as though I was suffocating from the weight of me on me. But when I looked in a mirror, I LITERALLY DID NOT SEE THE FAT!!! I have a pretty face. We're taught not to say such things - it sounds stuck up or bold or brash - but screw that. I have a pretty face and I know it. Knowing it doesn't make me a bitch. When I look in the mirror - I see my face first. I see a well-proportioned face and beauty looking back at me. And I don't look in mirrors when I'm not feeling well. So I RARELY see myself and literally say 'ugh'. So I start with a pleasant feeling looking in the mirror. And then I look at my body. I have large breasts. The American 'dream'. No matter my size around my chest, I'm going to be a large C or up. So in terms of what we're 'supposed' to look like - I look good there. I have a small waist. Compared to my chest and hips. Classic hourglass figure. I don't put on fat just in the abdomen - or just in the hips - or just in the face. I put weight onto every inch of my body - quite literally down to my fingers and toes!! Ring size varies up to 1.5 sizes!! So I'm just a bigger version of me - not something 'foreign' or a different shape than the real 'me'. Just inflated - all over. So, I look in the mirror generally and I'm not displeased. I get REALLY pissed about not finding clothing in my closet that fits and looks like I want it to - but that doesn't 'translate' to my body being the issue.

So February of 2005 - I look in the mirror one day and was in absolute, total, utter, profound shock. I saw a fat woman. An obese woman. A woman who looked like she was 7 months pregnant and an extra 100 pounds to boot. Where did this woman COME from??? I literally felt as though I had been socked in the stomach. I can fully understand the anorexic standing in front of the mirror after several months of therapy (and yes - I had been in therapy for almost a year at that point) and suddenly SEEING those hip bones jutting out. SEEING those shoulder bones pointing straight out - SEEING every bone in her spine - SEEING that her face had caved into her skeleton. The shock is tremendous, powerful, earth-shattering. And here's the thing. That anorexic is near death. I came across as 'still healthy despite or except for the obesity'. But that's just damn luck! The fact is that I was killing myself as methodically as any anorexic. But we have a better chance of surviving for more years being overweight or obese than an anorexic does who is starving herself/himself to death. Thus...in my grand scheme of things and declaring the experts WRONG...our epidemic of obesity. We just don't die off at the same rate as those who suffer from our opposite, but related, problem!

So I started Nutrisystem. GREAT program. GREAT results. And I start feeling better. But I was FOCUSED on getting down to size 12. That was my focus. And so I looked at myself in the mirror for almost a year with a REALISTIC eye. The blinders were off. The mirror WORKED. It showed reality to me and I dealt with that reality and the pounds came off. I weighed regularly. I looked in the mirror regularly. I bought clothing in the next size down as soon as they fit - and I always had an outfit the NEXT size down that I tried on at least once a week until it fit - and then went for the next size. And it all WORKED!!!!! 103 out of the 134 I was going for.

November 2005. I meet up with some friends I had made online (through NSBB and then on a separate yahoo board where we bonded like sisters/brothers). They made me feel beautiful. I FELT beautiful. I felt loved - accepted 100% for who I was. And I FELT GOOD!!! I was wearing size 14's and knew that size 12 was just around the corner!! :) And the mirror suddenly began lying to me again. I started seeing my face first...then my body but not with the critical eye of 'you've made progress, but you need to make more to truly be healthy'. Then Christmas came and along with it a family reunion. Again I had those same feelings. 'You look wonderful!' 'How much have you LOST'? Great stuff. But that mirror went from occasional lying to full-on lying again.

I spent a couple months fighting the depression demons again - and not dealing with reality much - and by then the damage was done. I was on my way up again. First 5 pounds a month, then 10 pounds a month and then 'what the %#"*' 15 pounds a month I gained back. And that mirror lied to me ALL THE WAY BACK UP!!! I saw my face. I saw beauty. I saw clothing that fit well and was stylish (yup - had to go buy three new wardrobes as I worked my way back up the scale and denied it the whole way). And that mirror just KEPT LYING!!!

November 2006. I am back in the same spot psychologically that I was in February 2004. Ironically I even got back together with many of the same people as in November 2005 - but now instead of 14's I'm back in 22/24's. And they still accept me 100% as I am (at least all those that I love dearly - which is what is key in our lives - right? :) But suddenly, I am facing reality again. I don't know exactly WHAT changed that had me seeing reality - but I know that I was suddenly SEEING the fat, the rolls, the double chin, the 50 some inch hips....all of it. And the shock this time was even harder because I had so recently had reality AND mirror showing me size 14.

I truly can look in the mirror at size 24 and not see fat!! And THAT is what I call revorexia. THAT is the opposite of anorexia. It's not that I have a DESIRE to be bigger - or more muscular and so have 'BIGOREXIA'. Instead, I don't SEE THE FREAKIN' FAT!!! I believe that's my key. I 'think' and 'believe' I look as good as a size 12 even while I'm lumbering around in a size 22W!! I believe that as painful as it is to face the mirror and its reality that if my clothing size/scale weight/mirror reality are not matching up that it is a FIRE ALARM ALERT that something is wrong. I know that those recovering from anorexia hate to look in the mirror as well. They hate to face that clothing size/scale weight/mirror reality for fear that they will see fat and have an uncontrollable urge to get rid of it. But in order to get and stay healthy, they MUST face those realities of clothing sizes/weight and mirror and re-adjust their mental picture to REALITY. And I HAVE TO AS WELL.

Nobody has ever said to me 'you're fat'. The message I always got was "You're GOING to get fat" - from a young child on. And so that was my greatest fear when all that time I was BECOMING fat. Not GOING to - I was on my WAY! And then I WAS FAT. I AM FAT. Not GOING to be...I AM! But I am believing that if I can face the clothing/scale/mirror with reality - and when reality tries to fade get myself back to therapy QUICK to get help in figuring out WHY reality is fading and my mental picture and mirror picture are not lining up - that I may well have found the KEY to becoming permanently healthily slim. But I can't lie to myself and say that I look 'okay' at size 20W, 18W, 16W, 14, 12, etc. I CAN'T. Because it is those small lies and my 'buying into' that admiration from others that begins the process of lying to myself. I can acknowledge PROGRESS. But it cannot be enough if I am still overweight/obese according to my clothing sizes/scale/BMI/mirror.

I refuse to lie to myself any longer. I WILL be a beautiful size 10/12 or whatever the vanity sizing makes me. I WILL be 160 pounds or lower. I WILL be in a healthy BMI range. I WILL be off the obese charts/overweight charts and into the normal charts. but I WILL NOT lie to myself any longer and say that 18W is okay. It's NOT.

Signing off - Obese and thankful for the TRUTH.
Sophia