Degrees of Separation

I blog so little in my 'weekly ramblings' that it should probably be re-named Weakly Rambling. Might happen.

So this new concept of "degrees of separation" is out there - we're all just 'x' degrees separated from any other person on the planet. There was even a movie, wasn't there? Whatever. That's really not what I'm rambling about anyway. The point of this entire paragraph is merely to ensure that you are aware that I DO know that my title isn't original before I abscond with it and use it how I want to. So there.

Difficult subject. In fact THE most difficult subject that I think could occur in my life. Stress is a misnomer. Separation. I have separated from my husband of almost 12 years. In fact it was 13 years ago this month when my first husband died and not long after that, Glenn showed back up in my life. I've known Glenn all my life. Had a huge crush on him when I was 14 and was sorely disappointed that he didn't reciprocate the feelings. Upon later reflection I realized that was probably wise as he was 19 at the time. And later yet I found that he in fact did notice me when I was 14. But Glenn is a very quiet guy. Quiet and not one to take action without lots of encouragement or a 'sure thing'. I love Glenn. First - let's be clear on that. The first degree of separation. Because separating from Glenn doesn't change my love for him. More than anything, I want our marriage to work. I don't want a divorce. Could that happen? Yes. Could our separation become legal? Yes. But I am hoping - PRAYING - that it does not move to that stage. So while we have physically separated - while my wedding rings are no longer on my finger - my heart has not separated - thus - a degree of separation only.

And - because I'm me - and we're 'us' - and I tend to do things in a way different from the rest of the world - our separation is a bit 'odd'. Odd enough that some people looking on would not even know that we were separated. Uh - you ask - "wouldn't that be obvious since you're living in different places?" Well, here's the thing. We're not. We have a large home. 4 bedrooms. 4 people (we won't talk about the 9 cats). So - Glenn has moved to the guest room. Now, I'm not talking about 'sleeping on the couch' kind of move. I'm talking about re-finished guest room to get rid of the Victorian floral decor - I'm talking moving everything in closets - I'm talking full move. So we ARE separated - and yet we are attempting to co-exist as roommates - as parents - while we work through what our marriage - our relationship will be in the future.

Why on earth would I do such a thing? If the problems in the marriage are severe enough that it calls for separation (and you'll just have to trust me on this one - they are. Though I'm not going to post the 'why's' here in my blog. If you're a friend - you know you're more than welcome to contact me via email - but I'm not posting personal information like that out on the internet. Not now at least. So if the problems are that severe - why stay in the same house?

Because there are degrees of separation. First - there is our children. I do not want our children shuffled around between two households - or shuffled off to their grandparents to raise or be responsible for - even if the grandparents ARE in town. First - some of the issues we're dealing with go back, I'm quite sure, to our families of origin. No need to exacerbate the problem by putting our children into the same boats. This boat is rocky enough. Second - we get along. Glenn and I. Which is really why it has taken 11 years for me to take this step. Because yes, the problems we're dealing with have been there since the beginning. And yes - it was probably irresponsible of me/us (I say me merely because I was the one to push to start a family - not because Glenn is any less responsible) to have children before we worked out these issues. Because that has not given our children what THEY need as a good example of a marriage for their own growth and well-being. I pray that it is not too late. But truly - we get along. We rarely fight. When we do - we make up quite soon after. So if we're not fighting - we have the space to physically separate - and the kids can keep the stability of one home - then why not?

Hmmm - well some people would say it is a mistake. Others would wonder if it isn't harder on the kids. Certainly if I thought that divorce was inevitable - I would not take this step. But - there are degrees of separation. But you see - I DON'T see divorce as inevitable. I truly am praying - praying HARD - and ask that you join me in prayer - that Glenn can work through the issues he is facing - which are the 'obvious' ones right now. I also am not so crazy to think that I don't have issues or a part to play in this. Far from that. So I know there will come a time when I have to do some hard work as well if this is going to be healed - to be re-started. And we've talked about 'what if'. If it should come to the point that we need a more physical separation - or - God forbid (literally!) divorce - the kids would stay here. WE would be the ones to shuffle back and forth and have our lives lived partially here and partially 'there' - wherever 'there' might be. Our children have done nothing to deserve this - I'll do nothing to disrupt their world if at all possible and still be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy.

Yes - I said HEALTHY. Not happy. If you're a close friend - you're smiling - or even laughing right now. Because you know my diatribe on happiness. We are NOT entitled to happiness. We are NOT guaranteed happiness. Not by our God - and not by our country. Sure - we can pursue it - and sometimes we even get it for a time - but to pursue happiness at the expense of others? Not a right. Not an entitlement. So I'm not looking for 'happiness'. I'm looking for the physical/emotional/spiritual health that I need to have in order to be the mom that my children need. Period. They come first. That happened the moment my daughter was conceived. I'll not usurp that responsibility for my 'happiness'. Which is, of course, why I have gotten so all-fired angry with people who - even as I struggled in my first year of marriage - flouted a 'I have a right to be HAPPY' bullshit in my face. PSHAW. And BULLSHIT. My Covenant with God - and with Glenn - did NOT give me an entitlement to happiness. It gave me responsibility. So there we are. Now you've had the opportunity to hear my diatribe yourself!! lol

As I was cleaning and re-organizing, I ran into the Unity candle from our wedding. I had it specially designed with a short verse that I wrote:

"May the love that kindled this flame burn forever"

I cried as I put that candle away. It really should be thrown out as it is banged up and worn beyond repair - misshapen from a stint in a sunny window - faded - pearls fallen off - but that saying is still in place. I cannot do that. You see - I hope that one day I can have a new candle made and we can symbolically light it again. It had an oil wick inserted into it to symbolize a flame that cannot be snuffed out easily. I'm still believing. I'm believing in my God. I'm believing in the fact that I entered a Covenant with my God and my Husband on January 28, 1995 - and that my God will honor that Covenant and heal us both. His will be done.

Right now - there are degrees of separation. Pray for us. Pray for our children. Not for happiness - but that the degrees of separation will be healed.

Amen.