We Live From Our Heart
I have been trying to express lately - to some of my closest friends and to members of my family - how I am feeling confirmation from God in a very clear manner regarding some of my recent actions. I have felt an undeniable peace and relaxation over my decisions - even though some of those decisions were very hard to come to. Some I even resisted for a time thinking that perhaps 'there might be a way' to work things in for both God and to keep it 'easy' for me. But when God speaks to me through the Holy Spirit in a still, calm voice - there is no denying - there is no questioning - there is no resistance. All that is left for me is action. I was just 11 years old the day the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder in a stadium filled with thousands of people and said 'It's time for you to accept God's gift of grace' and I came out of my chair and began forging my way through a crowd. With just a quick whispered 'I have to go down there right now' to my father next to me I took off through the crowd without a glance behind me - and even then I hated crowds and was anxious in crowded environments. God has pursued me all my life. When I am open to hear His voice, He guides me but I have to take those actions, even when they're uncomfortable or painful.
Tonight, yet another confirmation that those decisions were necessary - particularly the decision to leave an online group that I had been part of for so long. Despite some pretty nasty emails blasting me for that decision - despite my fears that I would lose contact with those within that group that I was particularly close to - I see God's hand. The emails - though difficult to read and difficult to respond to - I made it through the experience. My friends have stayed by my side and in fact I have become closer to them as we share and talk and laugh and vent and be ourselves. And yet, being human (yup! still am! :) ) - I still have moments of self-doubt and questioning whether this was all the way it HAD to be. I've tried to explain these little signs that I've received that it IS right - but tonight's feels more tangible - perhaps because it is somebody else's words. Written by a Professor of Philosophy for a California University who has been on a journey with His God that is truly inspirational. This excerpt is from Dallas Willard's Revolution of Character - and it speaks to me. Those that know me well - you'll see why I see signs of confirmation within this. Those that don't know me and may have landed on this blog by accident - or through a link that has you wondering how this might have ANYTHING to do with NS - well it does! :) Read more of my blog and it's there.
We Live From Our Heart
Our life and how we respond to the world is a result of who we have become in the depths of our being. We call this inner being our spirit, our will - or, as a comprehensive term, our heart. From the contents of our heart, we see our world and interpret reality. From that decisive place in our self, we make choices, break forth into action, and try to change our world. We live from our depths - most of which we understand only in part.
However the human self is not mysterious. There is an order to it that can be explored. We can influence its spiritual formation in a way that changes our entire outlook. Because a carefully cultivated heart - assisted by the grace of God - is able to transform even the most painful situations. We are able to handle with greater insight, gratitude and redeeming grace, situations that before would have caused us to stand like helpless children asking, "Why?"
Perhaps most satisfying, we will be able to connect with God at a deeper, more personal level of loving awareness and interaction. But further, a better understanding of our heart will enable us to influence situations in our families, businesses and communities with greater godliness, effectiveness and clarity. For the work of Christ always begins in our heart and moves outward into everyday experiences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This excerpt was read aloud in a Discipleship class that I have been participating in, along with my husband, on Sunday evenings for the last couple of months. My being involved in such a commitment, with my issues of anxiety and depression - is in itself God's work. God's work has been evident from the very beginning, including miracles showing how truly involved God is in our everyday life and how much He loves us as His children. How He pursues us and shows Himself to us in situations we least expect as long as our hearts are open to see His presence. For those that know my history - the history of my childhood with a rage-o-holic father and a 'checked-out' mom which led to less-than-perfect scenario for raising a child to have a heart open to God's work - there is more. My father was healed - miraculously and unDOUBTedly healed - from his constant rages less than 10 years ago. It took me several years to fully believe - waiting for the usual triggers to set him off. Often times I would find myself cringing, my nails biting into my palms and my breath held as I waited for a situation to set him off. And then I would realize that he was just fine and was going on about his business. Slowly I would relax the tense muscles in my body - release my fists to half-moons cut into my palms, and exhale slowly and quietly and then take a deep breath. He's a work in progress - but God's presence in his heart is evident to those who meet him today.
In my childhood and young adult years, I would sit nervously in my chair when in conversation with him, watching what I said carefully in order to avoid triggering a rage or lecture, learning to 'zone out' while he talked so that even if he said something that I really didn't like or disagreed with that I would not say so - thereby escaping those rages. I carefully balanced the family dynamic - taking responsibility for how the entire family interacted and assisting my brother who battled the dynamic with his wit. Somewhere through those years, I landed smack dab in the middle of my parents' troubled marriage. At times I interacted more with my father than my own mother did while she checked out in her depression and dis-connection with reality and my father confided in me, complained about my mother and I worked with him in yet another 'this one is going to work' method of reaching the all American dream of monetary success. At other times I commiserated with my mother on my dad's out of control behavior and even advised her at times to just 'get out'. When that pendulum could no longer swing, I divorced them in my early 20's. I officially told them that I was divorcing them and was hereby OUT of their marriage. And then I fought the urges and the triggers to get drug back into the marriage. I got attention from my parents being in the middle of that marriage. It wasn't fun getting out. Come to think of it - THAT was my first official break-up. :) I felt important being consulted by them. But I knew it wasn't healthy. Even without acknowledging that it was the Holy Spirit's voice - I knew it had to stop.
I have watched God move in both of their lives. Picking my father up from rock bottom while he lived a life of sheer existence in Phoenix, leaving my mother to cope at home in Colorado. God picked him up - changed his heart - and my father begin living from that newly changed heart. I'm not talking the change of man - or the change of mental therapy to work at behavior changes and keep things 'under control'. I am talking about submitting to God's will and letting Him control. I watched my mother as she gave up the self-help books (and even helped her sell boxes of them in garage sales) and pop psychology for the type of healing that only God brings about. He is still working in them today. He's working on me as well. For one thing I would have never considered 10 years ago, is the idea of being able to sit in a class with my father as the teacher - as the learned one - as a guide - a mentor - or truly - even as my father. Tonight - the person who read that excerpt aloud was my father. Today - my father is a teacher - one I turn to for learning - and truly - my father.
God Loves and God Heals. His presence is evident in our lives today just as it was 2000 years ago in the lives of his chosen disciples. But we must be open to His presence - we must open our heart to what God will fill us with - and then - when we Live From Our Heart - HE will be visible.
May HE become more visible every day as I Live From My Heart.
However the human self is not mysterious. There is an order to it that can be explored. We can influence its spiritual formation in a way that changes our entire outlook. Because a carefully cultivated heart - assisted by the grace of God - is able to transform even the most painful situations. We are able to handle with greater insight, gratitude and redeeming grace, situations that before would have caused us to stand like helpless children asking, "Why?"
Perhaps most satisfying, we will be able to connect with God at a deeper, more personal level of loving awareness and interaction. But further, a better understanding of our heart will enable us to influence situations in our families, businesses and communities with greater godliness, effectiveness and clarity. For the work of Christ always begins in our heart and moves outward into everyday experiences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This excerpt was read aloud in a Discipleship class that I have been participating in, along with my husband, on Sunday evenings for the last couple of months. My being involved in such a commitment, with my issues of anxiety and depression - is in itself God's work. God's work has been evident from the very beginning, including miracles showing how truly involved God is in our everyday life and how much He loves us as His children. How He pursues us and shows Himself to us in situations we least expect as long as our hearts are open to see His presence. For those that know my history - the history of my childhood with a rage-o-holic father and a 'checked-out' mom which led to less-than-perfect scenario for raising a child to have a heart open to God's work - there is more. My father was healed - miraculously and unDOUBTedly healed - from his constant rages less than 10 years ago. It took me several years to fully believe - waiting for the usual triggers to set him off. Often times I would find myself cringing, my nails biting into my palms and my breath held as I waited for a situation to set him off. And then I would realize that he was just fine and was going on about his business. Slowly I would relax the tense muscles in my body - release my fists to half-moons cut into my palms, and exhale slowly and quietly and then take a deep breath. He's a work in progress - but God's presence in his heart is evident to those who meet him today.
In my childhood and young adult years, I would sit nervously in my chair when in conversation with him, watching what I said carefully in order to avoid triggering a rage or lecture, learning to 'zone out' while he talked so that even if he said something that I really didn't like or disagreed with that I would not say so - thereby escaping those rages. I carefully balanced the family dynamic - taking responsibility for how the entire family interacted and assisting my brother who battled the dynamic with his wit. Somewhere through those years, I landed smack dab in the middle of my parents' troubled marriage. At times I interacted more with my father than my own mother did while she checked out in her depression and dis-connection with reality and my father confided in me, complained about my mother and I worked with him in yet another 'this one is going to work' method of reaching the all American dream of monetary success. At other times I commiserated with my mother on my dad's out of control behavior and even advised her at times to just 'get out'. When that pendulum could no longer swing, I divorced them in my early 20's. I officially told them that I was divorcing them and was hereby OUT of their marriage. And then I fought the urges and the triggers to get drug back into the marriage. I got attention from my parents being in the middle of that marriage. It wasn't fun getting out. Come to think of it - THAT was my first official break-up. :) I felt important being consulted by them. But I knew it wasn't healthy. Even without acknowledging that it was the Holy Spirit's voice - I knew it had to stop.
I have watched God move in both of their lives. Picking my father up from rock bottom while he lived a life of sheer existence in Phoenix, leaving my mother to cope at home in Colorado. God picked him up - changed his heart - and my father begin living from that newly changed heart. I'm not talking the change of man - or the change of mental therapy to work at behavior changes and keep things 'under control'. I am talking about submitting to God's will and letting Him control. I watched my mother as she gave up the self-help books (and even helped her sell boxes of them in garage sales) and pop psychology for the type of healing that only God brings about. He is still working in them today. He's working on me as well. For one thing I would have never considered 10 years ago, is the idea of being able to sit in a class with my father as the teacher - as the learned one - as a guide - a mentor - or truly - even as my father. Tonight - the person who read that excerpt aloud was my father. Today - my father is a teacher - one I turn to for learning - and truly - my father.
God Loves and God Heals. His presence is evident in our lives today just as it was 2000 years ago in the lives of his chosen disciples. But we must be open to His presence - we must open our heart to what God will fill us with - and then - when we Live From Our Heart - HE will be visible.
May HE become more visible every day as I Live From My Heart.
posted by Sophia at 10:06 PM
3 Comments:
Sophia, Thankyou for writing this, it struck a chord with me, I wish I could explain how. You really have a way of making me think and look at things in a way that I would never have thought of on my own. This last post of yours made me feel peace.
Love ya, Sue
I am amazed and inspired by the way you have forgiven your father and can seek wisdom from him. That's truly wonderful that he changed, but also that you have the courage to accept it. This is something I'm going to have to think about in my own life...I'm glad I read your entry today.
- Susan (sockmonkeyninja)
Happy Birthday...much love...
Carol
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